Luminous Lotus~

The Alchemist

2012-02-15T11:45:00.000-08:00

“Why do we have to listen to our hearts?” the boy asked, when they had made camp that day.

“Because, wherever your heart is, that is where you’ll find your treasure.”

“But my heart is agitated,” the boy said. “It has its dreams, it gets emotional, and it’s become passionate over a woman of the desert. It asks things of me, and it keeps me from sleeping many nights, when I’m thinking about her.”

“Well, that’s good. Your heart is alive. Keep listening to what it has to say.”

“My heart is a traitor,” the boy said to the alchemist, when they had paused to rest the horses. “It doesn’t want me to go on.”

“That makes sense. Naturally it’s afraid that, in pursuing your dream, you might lose everything you’ve won.”

“Well, then, why should I listen to my heart?”

“Because you will never again be able to keep it quiet. ”

“You mean I should listen, even if it’s treasonous?”

“Treason is a blow that comes unexpectedly. If you know your heart well, it will never be able to do that to you. Because you’ll know its dreams and wishes, and will know how to deal with them.

“My heart is afraid that it will have to suffer,” the boy told the alchemist one night as they looked up at the moonless sky.

“Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second’s encounter with God and with eternity.”

From “The Alchemist”

A Mother's Plea For Help ~

2012-02-02T12:12:00.000-08:00

“It’s not the load that breaks you down; it’s the way you carry it.” -Lena Horne

We often think that admitting struggle is a sign of weakness, but we all struggle sometimes. We all get overwhelmed sometimes. We all need help sometimes. Acknowledging this is not a sign of weakness, but struggling alone is a choice to grow weak.

Dear Friends,

This will be a very different entry than what I usually write. This entry is really a request for help, ideas, suggestions, empathy, a show of love by offering anything useful to help me help my son with his separation anxiety. Let me share with you my situation...

My son is 5 and has been going to preschool 4 days a week for 3 1/2 hours. The school he goes to is really a wonderful place. It is whimsical and small and community oriented. His teacher is the best. She is kind, compassionate, loving, and she loves what she does. I love her. He only has 9 kids in his class and there are at least 2 or 3 adults present at all times.

At the beginning of the school year, Liam was very excited to go and had no problems with Jason or I saying goodbye as he enjoyed his time there on his own. Things have changed quite a bit. In fact, for the past few months it has been nothing but a struggle for him to go, stay on his own and let me go on my way. I have been staying for as long as I can in the hopes of helping him through this phase. Mind you, I always have Lila with me so staying there for an hour and a half is the maximum amount of time I can stay before Lila and I both loose it. Truly, I am frustrated, exhausted, sad, and embarrassed by this all. When I try to leave, the anxiety ensues. When we have tried to employ the help of the teachers and staff, Liam runs around me away from them, hugs onto my leg and a full on meltdown begins. It's all quite horrible if you ask me. Everyone tells me I just have to peel him off of me, push him away and let him cry it out. They tell me he'll be fine as soon as I leave and they will call if he is not. I want to make clear that it is not a little crying that I have a problem with. What I have a problem with is the peel-him-off-push-him-away or hold-him back part. It just does not feel right to me. It is now to the point were he says he does not want to go to school the night before. I am now at the point where I dread the morning and taking him to school. I am at a point where I feel pretty close to done with all of this and I feel pretty alone in it too.

My question is:

Is the above mentioned method the only way to help Liam gain confidence in his ability to be on his own for a bit without me or Jason in the safe environment of his school?

Is there another way to help him with this experience and growth process?

Am I crazy to question this method or to think that there has got to be a better way?

Please Help.

Love One Tired and Frustrated Mama,

Marcia

Inner Work

2012-01-11T21:35:00.000-08:00

About a month ago I tried to write a blog and got half way through. It seems I am in some sort of time warp as time passes so quickly these days and I never seem to get all of what I want done. This part of motherhood is frustrating for me as I am someone who likes to get a certain amount of things done. I am learning to let go of this need a little at a time. Since my last attempt to write, Christmas has come and gone and a new year has begun. It's strange that it is only 11 days into the new year and the new year feels like it arrived months ago. See, I am in a time warp. Very weird.

Anyway, there has been a lot of inner work going on for me. This has been a time of reevaluating everything from the way I parent to the way I care about myself. Mostly, I have come to realize that patience and presence is an everyday practice when it comes to parenting and is something that I am learning how to be better at. It is a time of shifting perspectives, a time of finding the energy to change what needs to be changed so that I can bring my life into balance, so that my family and I are experiencing more joy and harmony on a regular basis.

I am writing today to organize my thoughts and have a better overall view of my life as it as and not as I wish it to be. I am writing because I can and want to and also because I have had a certain thought on my mind for a while. I will share...

Since getting cable, I have been watching Oprah's Life class segments regularly and love them. I think Oprah is a great teacher and really appreciate the teachings she is offering. On one of the life lessons that recently aired, she said something that has really stuck with me. This is what she said, "I believe being a parent is one of the highest callings that there is." I never really thought about motherhood like that before. It was more like I thought of becoming a mother as something you chose to do or not to do, you either want a child or children or you don't. Thinking about motherhood in those terms has given new meaning to this path I am walking. I don't think that raising and loving my children is all I am meant to do, but right now it is what I am called to do. This is my Dharma, my purpose, right now. This is what sustains me and where I am learning the most at this time. I am being asked to parent with purpose and to realize the importance and value of what I am doing right now even if it seems simplistic, which, of course, it is not.

In fact everyday has some sort of a challenge to go along with it. So everyday, I am asked to look at the way I respond or react to the current situation I am in. And some days I do better than others. Mostly the biggest challenge has been my son Liam. He has been having a difficult time and things with him have not been easy. He fights us daily on everything and anything from going to school, brushing his teeth, cutting his nails, to sitting down at the dinner table to eat. He has a hard time with me leaving and that too is hard on me. My poor little fellow is quite sensitive , feels everything and is often overwhelmed by the world. I understand how he feels all to well.

Because I too am tired and sensitive, I have been more of a reactive parent than a patient, calm one. And what all this less-than-stellar mothering has made me realize is that it is important for me not to get caught up in my son's emotions or my own at this time because it is exhausting! So I am learning the art of stepping back from the situation, pausing in the moment, and working to stay with my breath. Believe me, it is much harder than it sounds. I have also recently come to terms with the fact that I am not my best when I am tired and depleted, and I have been in that place a lot recently. So what that means is that I must care about myself as much as I care about and for everybody else. Why? Because I matter. My needs matter. My emotional state and overall well being matters, so extreme self-care is a must for me. Self Love is a must for me.

The odd thing about being in a place in my life where I have felt extremely frustrated, sad, confused, uncertain and have been questioning my direction, ability and such, is that it is teaching me so much. As I have continued to ask my higher self questions and sit with the uncertainty and been in that place of discomfort, the clarity and growth has come along too. These things take time. And, well, as I have already mentioned, patience is not easy for me, but I am learning. In my book, that is progress.

Another aspect of my life that I am finally more clear on is teaching. During this time of re-alignment, I have been asking myself this: What kind of teacher am I? What do I want to offer? Why do I want to teach? In the process of asking questions, a few answers have arisen. I am not about the-fire-of-transformation sort of teacher. I am not intensity or fire. I am water and earth. I am flow. I am more about grounding and am a nurturer at heart. I am a healer. My aim in my teaching is to offer a balanced class, to create a safe, sacred, uplifting environment for each student to be able to explore the poses and get connected in body, mind and heart. It matters to me that I do my best to offer a balanced class, one that is appropriately challenging, thoughtful, adequately focused and restful. I want each student to walk out feeling lighter, brighter, more balanced, focused and calm than when they walked in. So if you are looking for the antidote to the craziness of your life and you are in need of nurturing, I am your girl and my class is for you.

Even though this has been a tough phase for me to be in, I am grateful that I have been forced to look deeper to find the answers to my questions. I am grateful for the change and growth that is happening for me right now. It is not always easy to make the changes or to deal with the growing pains, but it is good and useful in the long run.

I now know what it is I want and am after. Mostly, I want to be what it is I am meant to be. I want to Gracefully come into my own. I want to live my life in an honest way. I want more joy. I want more balance. I want more harmony. I want to remember that being a mother is the highest calling there is and really commit and devote my time to Liam, Lila and Jason. I want to be the kind of mother, teacher and guide that these two beautiful souls deserve because I know that they too are here to make a difference in the world. Therefore, it is up to me and Jason to lead the way with love and determination, one good deed at a time.

Blessings,
Marcia

Zen and the Art of Moving~

2011-11-27T21:56:00.000-08:00

It’s been nearly two months since I last updated my blog and this is the fourth time I have taken time to write. I am just now finally able to complete an entry. A lot has gone on in the past couple of months. Life and the little ones are keeping me busy. My family and I have moved house, and we are still in the process of unpacking, organizing, decorating and settling in. I forgot how long it takes to get settled. I am impatient and am again reminded of how difficult big changes like this are for me. It has been a hard time for me personally on many levels.

I think that I have been in a mourning process of sorts. I knew that we were foreclosing on our little two-bedroom house and even though I do feel we made the right choice in our situation, it hasn’t been easy. I am still sad we had to say goodbye to our little house with Olive trees. I had a lot of vision for that little house and we put a lot of love into that place. That being said, I don’t know that it would have ever been what I desired or envisioned it to be.

We are in a new place, in a totally different area of town and it is nearly twice the size of our old place. It’s a great house with some awesome features. It has a solar water heater, two rain-water harvesters and has a great big kitchen. There are a lot of wonderful things about this new place. And as it comes together and starts to look and feel more like our home, it will be even better. I don’t want to overlook the good or fail to see the positives of this fortunate situation, so I am making an effort to embrace the newness while still allowing myself to process the loss of our former house in my own way and in my own time.

Everything feels so strange but that's not a bad thing. I am just noticing that change is uncomfortable for me. But isn’t that always the way? And really, change never occurs on just one level, it occurs on many levels and requires that we also look at and shift the inside so that things also line up on the outside. So there is a lot of internal reworking on things going on for me.

It’s odd to think that I was pregnant at this time last year and watching and feeling by body change week by week as my little Lila grew and changed too. Here it is 5 months later, and life is still full of shifts. It is amazing how having a baby, no matter if it is your first or your third, changes EVERYTHING in a miraculous and surprising way. Lila has brought a lot of newness, love and light into our world and for that I am so thankful.

As I have been experiencing the ups and downs of life and have been in the midst of change for the past year, I have come to realize a few things about myself. I now see more clearly then ever my impatience with myself and others, my tendency to complain and focus on the negative, and I now see how hard I am on myself and how impossibly high my expectations often are. Perfectionism has never been good for me. I get it.

I think that having the ability to notice these things about myself is a real gift because I can finally see how these things are NOT serving me. All I am doing is tearing myself and my life down. How is that good? It’s not. So the awareness is good but will do me no good unless I do something to change these habits.

So now begins the process of doing something with all that I am learning. Now begins the process of choosing my thoughts more carefully, of making an effort to look at and appreciate all the good in my life on a daily basis and not just on Thanksgiving day or when I feel good because, as I have recently learned, gratitude and happiness are an every day, moment to moment choice. Gratitude is a process and a practice of appreciating what is, which leads to a feeling of contentment and ultimately to happiness. And, as we all know, joy is contagious. So why not bring more of both contentment and joy into my life so that my family feels more of that too?

I guess the long and short of all this is that change may not be easy, but it is necessary and can be good. The positive is that with change comes new energy, a new vision and opportunity for growth. A change in location really does lend itself to a shift in perspective. With all this moving and shaking going on, I now see where there is room for improvement and a need to do some cleaning up within myself. In the process of getting rid of old clothes, furniture and things that are no longer needed, I also get a chance to do away with the things that no longer serve me. So out with old and in with the new...

Ever Grateful and More Aware everyday,
Marcia

Lila at play...

A Blink of an Eye

2011-10-04T23:01:00.000-07:00

"It's true time flies faster than a blink of an eye"

As usual, it is late, and here I am coming to the page. I can't help myself. It's quiet in the house at the moment with everyone else asleep. Even the dog and cat are asleep. I will just give myself over to the tired that I will surely feel tomorrow as my need to connect to myself and my desire to write are winning out over an extra hour of sleep.

It's been a hard few weeks. I have been feeling really overwhelmed and lacking on so many levels. I don't know if all that I have been through since Lila's birth has finally caught up to me or if this is just part of life with a newborn. The changes have been big for us and more change is on the horizon. I swear I think I write that every month. I suppose I should just get used to the fact that change is ever present and ongoing. I guess the timing for more change couldn't be better with the arrival of fall and all, which doesn't feel like much here in the desert since the obvious signs of colored leaves and cool air are not yet here. Fall in the desert is subtle but persistent.

In general, October has always been and seems to be a month of big changes and moving for me. Four years ago this month, Jason , Liam and I moved here to Tucson from Colorado Springs. Five years ago, on the second of October to be exact, Liam was born and our lives were forever altered. This month will mark yet another move, another big change for me and my family. My family and I will let go of and say goodbye to our little house here on Avenida de Suenos and move into a new house. We are foreclosing on this house here on the Avenue of Dreams and it is bittersweet. This is not a surprise to us and we knew foreclosure time was coming. In the end, though, I believe the move will be good for us. I feel that we as a family need the change, and we need more space. So every week and weekend Jason and I spend our extra time looking for just the right place and view all the houses that seem like possibilities. We have not yet found the place we are looking for but will very soon.

I really hope the move, while it may be a bit chaotic at the start, will be the thing that helps jolt us into making the other changes we need to create more harmony and happiness in our lives. It seems like we need more of both as we are experiencing to much of the opposite as of late.

In fact, I have wondered recently if I am dealing with post partum depression on some level or if the sadness, frustration and overwhelm I sometimes feel are normal given all that's gone on in the past 3 months. Maybe I simply have some baby blues and am in serious need of some time for myself to care for my own needs. Maybe it's simply all part of the transitional phase of welcoming another child into my life. Maybe it's a combination of all of it.

Although I feel uncertain about a lot, I am certain all these challenges are chiseling away the unneeded aspects of myself I no longer need. Life has a way of doing that, of wearing away the stuff we don't need, leaving behind the valuable and the beautiful.

All I can say is, there is never a dull moment. I feel everything. At least I know I am alive, that my heart is beating and full. I have a family and I love them. Though it is not always easy, I give thanks for my family of teachers and the teachings being offered to me at this time. Everyday, my husband, son and daughter show me where progress and positive change are needed and that my patience and persistence are required at this time. My creativity is required. My desire to derive the most good, the most joy out of each moment is required. And most importantly, my desire to do better and be better are at the forefront.

All I can do is stay with it and have faith in my ability to handle whatever comes my way. This time and phase in my life will soon pass and it will be on to the next thing. Better to enjoy this time now than to regret it latter as I will probably only remember the good stuff, the moments that made me smile. I may remember hard moment but what will remain is the fact that we managed to deal with the difficult moments positively and they made us wiser and stronger in the end.

For now, I must focus on what matters and that is my family. Everything else can wait and will be there when I am ready for it.

Drink in the moment and savor the taste,
Marcia

Full Circle~ Back at the Beginning

2011-08-10T14:02:00.000-07:00

I've been wanting to write for a while now but the time to do so seems to elude me. Here it is probably a month later and I am just getting around to jotting a few words down. It's been a good couple of months off. It's been all about family, healing, love, and transformation. You'd think since this is my second child that the transition into motherhood only applies to the first child but that is not the case. I find that I have been changed by my second baby too. Changes have occurred in my body, mind and heart.

I look at my body and the changes are both subtle and obvious. From the linea negra, the vertical line on the belly during pregnancy, to the massive outer changes in my physical form. The fading line that runs the length of my belly is subtle, but I notice everyday that it is lighter than it was the day before. The shape of my belly is the most obvious and visible sign of change I see as it went from very full and round to, well, sort of flat and squishy. I guess it could be likened to a balloon that has lost air. They are both bitter sweet signs that my pregnancy is over. And in some ways I miss being pregnant. I miss the fullness and feeling of my baby swimming around on the inside because I know that I will never have that experience again and it is pure magic. That being said, I am filled with such joy that my daughter is here on the outside for me to see, to feel, to love, to hold, and I am incredibly grateful and honored to have had the privilege of being pregnant, of holding a caring for this most precious little being so full of love and light. Lila is a stunning little girl and has already brought us great joy. I really feel that her arrival has completed our family. Lila has brought a new energy and balance to our family that I think we have been in need of and we are simply so glad she is here.

As for the changes in my mind, well that seems to be an ongoing process. One shift in my thinking that has happened, though, is the idea that I need to embrace the birth I was given. I think I have been fighting with that idea and there seems to be this tug of war happening in my head where one side of my brain continually asks the question, "what could I or should I have done different that might have changed the outcome of my second birth?" The other side of my brain is reminding me to simply let it go and embrace the birth I was given. I am no less strong, capable, or loving because I did not have a natural, vaginal birth. I have to gently and consistently remind myself of that fact. My mind is an overactive place, so I have to do what I can to help it rest and make sure I am staying focused on the good and continue to cultivate a sincere but positive outlook. That takes some practice. Who am I kidding, keeping my mind in check takes a lot of practice. When I think better, though, I feel better and that is worth knowing and noting because the knowing better helps me choose better.

When I stay focused on the good, such as the fact that I had a good birth experience up until the end when it got crazy or that my daughter is healthy and seems to be free of any residual damage from such a rough ride, my heart swells with love and deep gratitude. I can't help but be moved to tears at the thought of it all. I can't help but feel immensely grateful for our good fortune on so many levels. I look at her and marvel at her beauty and smile at her bright, innocent presence. What a joy it is to have her in the world. And as is obvious, the birth of my daughter has opened my heart just that much more to show me that more love is possible. To care and love for anyone in such a way is a gift.

And now I am back to teaching, back to life as I knew it before Lila and it is different, or I am different. Either way, things aren't the same and that too requires another adjustment on my part. This is a time of me getting reacquainted with my body and self again. I feel so much like I am at the beginning again. The momentum is gone, so it is time to rebuild. It's a humbling and exciting experience. In this time where I feel like I need to review and refine, I don't want to forget that there is a foundation of knowledge and knowing already there. This is simply an opportunity to get better and grow more fully into my authentic self as a mother, a student, a teacher, and a human being.

Let the new journey begin.

Peace,
Marcia

A New Normal~

2011-07-29T15:18:00.000-07:00

It's Friday afternoon and quiet for a moment. I rarely have time these days to sit down and write or do much for myself for that matter. I think I forgot that you don't have time to get much done with a newborn. We spend most of our days at home, in doors at the moment. I do try to go on a quick 30 to 40 minute walk with the dog and get a shower in before Jason leaves for work most mornings and that helps put me in a better head space. Sometimes the days seem long and go slow and at other times they seem to go fast. The days are full of nursing Lila, playing with her and then getting her back to sleep. In between here short naps, I get Liam and myself something to eat and we play while we can, and then I try to wash the dishes or get some laundry done. There never seems to be enough time for anything. I simply do what I can.

The good news is that Lila is awake for longer periods of about an hour before she is ready to sleep again. She is smiling and trying to talk and communicate with oohs and ahhs. It is fun to see her take in more of the world and try to interact. I still find it hard to do more with and for Liam, and I feel bad about that. The pool is out of commission for the moment as it has a hole and we are missing play time in the pool. It's fine though because Liam would rather have someone be in the pool to play with him. I can't blame him. It's too hot to go for bike ride/ walk outside right now, so we are watching way too much T.V. The past couple of days we have had the T.V. on a lot because Liam has been sick so that's understandable. I wish I could say this is easy but it's not and some days I go a little crazy with being home so much. I know this is all temporary and we will find our way. It's all a matter of getting used to my life as it is now and not as it used to be. A new normal is emerging.

I dropped off a few items at Yoga Oasis the other day and walking into the studio felt so good. I didn't really want to leave. I am looking forward to getting back to teaching but am a little nervous too. I know that finding time to prepare a class and teach will be a challenge at first but am sure I will figure it out. I am thinking I will need to pick a day to plan out my classes for the week so I can spend the time before class practicing. I think that would be a better use of my time instead of scrambling and trying to come up with something to teach and try to squeeze in a practice too. Time is everything especially when you feel like you don't have much of it. Having kids and a family definitely changes the game of life a bit.

I guess that about sums things up for now. It's not very exciting but it is real. We are slowly adjusting to life together and some days are good and some days are, well, hard. It's all part of the process of change I suppose.

Here are a few more pictures. Enjoy!

Marcia

Taking it all in~

2011-06-29T22:52:00.000-07:00

Lila is 21 days old or 3 weeks old today and doing great. She is a very sweet baby and is pretty easy to soothe. Here at the Tullous household we are all adjusting to life as a family of four and slowly settling into a rhythm. Things are mostly good with an occasional rough day thrown in the mix. I have, of course, hit the wall of tired but am surviving. The good news is that Lila is starting to sleep for longer stretches between feedings at night and that helps. Liam is doing pretty well with things for the most part, and we all seem to be recovering from our rough start and stint in the hospital. He does have his days where he seems to want and need more of my time and attention, and I do my best to be available and present with him. Liam loves his little sister and wants to touch her, kiss her and hug her constantly. In fact, we have to remind Liam to give her a little space especially when Lila is tired and trying to go to sleep. It's a learning process for us all. I am hoping it gets easier as each day passes.

Over the last week or so I have been thinking a lot about my recent birth experience as well as my first birth experience. I guess I am just trying to come to term with things. I catch myself wondering why I couldn't or didn't have an easy, natural birth either time despite all my preparation and efforts to do so. Why couldn't I have the ideal labor and birth of 4 hours and be home the same or next day with my babies? When Jason and I were talking about this, he kindly pointed out that I could ask that question all day long and for the rest of my life for that matter and still not know the answer. So I have been asking that question and going over things in my mind and think that I have been doing so because my perspective on my own birth experiences has changed.

Neither of my birth experiences went the way I thought they would but they both have a "happy ending" as one friend said it so well. When I look back at Liam's birth, I see how being in the hospital instead of at home for his birth was positive. In fact, I have had many a nurse and doctor tell me we were fortunate that Liam's coarc, a narrowing of the aorta, was discovered shortly after he was born as he would have gotten very sick and his outcome and recovery may not have been as good or quick. In the end, we were in the right place at the right time for Liam.

As I go over Lila's birth, it is much the same in that we were in the right place at the right time as the unexpected and unforeseen happened again. I was so close to having that birth I had hoped for and then in an instant it changed. I never even considered the idea that my uterus could or would rupture even though I knew that was a very small possibility. Even as I take that in, I realize it all happened as it was meant to. Lila was born on her special, chosen day and I feel strongly about that given that she was born on the 8th of June at 8 in the morning, weighed 8 lbs. 8 oz. and was 18.5 inches long. All those 8's can only mean she was meant to come as she did. And again, I chose to have her in the only hospital in Southern Arizona that does the cooling pad therapy. This is no coincidence. All these things add up to a multitude of blessings for her, for us.

Of course, I can choose to see both experiences in any way I like as it is all a matter of perspective. That being said, I choose to see the blessings in both instances not because I am desperate for them but because they just seem so obvious. I cannot ignore the fact that both Liam and Lila are healthy, happy and strong despite their difficult entry into the world. I am beyond grateful for both my children even on the days when I feel completely overwhelmed by life and all the challenges motherhood brings.

So I guess where I am at with all this questioning of why things went the way they went is that it was meant to go the way it did. I still believe in natural childbirth and think that those that have that experience are so fortunate to have things go as they hope or want. For the rest of us that have things take an unexpected twist or turn, all you can do is your best because birth is a very unique and surprising experience. It is the adventure of a lifetime.

Ultimately, what I have come to understand is that there is no right or better way to bring your baby into the world. The more I think about it, the more I realize that most mothers want the same thing, we all want a healthy, happy baby. Most mothers want to bring their babies into the world with love and make that entry as peaceful as possible. Of course, how we go about making that happen is a very personal decision. The questions we ask are: home birth or hospital birth, natural or epidural, doula or no doula, midwife or doctor... and the list goes on.

I guess it comes down to that pivotal teaching of responding to each moment as it arises versus reacting to it. Because I can tell you from experience that you can prepare and do everything right and unexpected shit will still happen. What I have learned, though, is that it's how you deal with and respond to such circumstances that makes all the difference. So... be aware, choose wisely and respond well.

In it and making the most of it,
Marcia

Lila~ My Little Miracle

2011-06-15T05:59:00.000-07:00

I am sitting in the NICU at UMC here in Tucson trying to make sense of the last few days, but I don't think that that is going to happen. All I can say is that it's been an epic week.

On June 8, 2011, 30 hours after labor began, Lila June Tullous was born at 8:33 a.m. weighing in at 8 lbs. 8 oz. and 18.5 inches long. I would say that my labor experience was really good up until the end when things changed suddenly and abruptly. Even though the labor was long, things were going well and pretty much the way Jason and I had hoped things would go with laboring at home for a long time and having the most supportive people around us.

I was in the pushing phase of labor when my uterus ruptured, when my uterus tore along my previous c-section scar line and then tore down to the right in a j shape. With my uterus torn in two places and with the stress of labor, the placenta then detached from the uterine wall. Fortunately, my doctor and the staff acted quickly recognizing something was very wrong and an emergency c-section was done. When they opened me up, they found Lila floating in my abdomen outside my uterus. She was not breathing when they pulled her out. She had no oxygen because the placenta detached. Lila had to be resuscitated. As she began breathing, they took her to the NICU to continue her healing process. Meanwhile, the doctors worked on me trying to assess the damage. Luckily, as my doctor put it, I hardly bled and that was a total surprise to them. My doctor said I have amazing healing powers as they found no major scarring or damage to any organs and I did not need a blood transfusion. The surgeon stitched up my uterus and abdomen and sent me off to the recovery room. All I remember when I woke up is feeling confused by what had just happened.

I still can't believe everything that's gone on over the last 7 days. Lila is doing great and has made major progress everyday. So far, she seems to be fine with no real damage to her brain or nervous system. The first few days were the hardest with having to wait to hold her while she lay on the cooling pad. The cooling pad therapy used here at UMC lowers the body temperature to keep circulation slow in order to keep swelling down in the brain. Lila was pretty miserable and cold for the first few days, and all we could do was place a hand on her head and chest but could not pick her up. Since she was taken off the cooling pad and we got the go ahead to hold her, things have really improved. I was given the okay to begin nursing her and she took to that with the first latch. All the nursing and skin to skin contact has made all the difference for her and for me. Everyday is better than the last. Everyday, we get to see and know more of who Lila is, and she is something wonderful.

The truth be told, though, I am tired of being in the hospital away from home, Jason and Liam and am ready to take my sweet Lila home. That being said, I know we will be home soon. We just have to hang in there a few more days. Today has been an emotional day for me with feeling the tired and dealing with my fluctuating hormones. I still can't get over the fact that my second birth has been so traumatic. What are the chances of having two difficult births with both babies ending up in the NICU somehow??? Apparently for us the chances are pretty high. I don't think it's a coincidence but am not sure what to call it. No matter what you call it, I feel incredibly grateful and fortunate to have both my babies make it through to this side. I hate that both Lila and Liam's entry into the world has been so hard but am so amazed by their strength and resilience.

I will say that in a lot of ways this go around with NICU and a birth that was a total surprise has been easier. Jason and I have dealt with everything quite well and think that has a lot to do with the fact that we've been through this before. Physically, this go around has been harder to recover from, but emotionally, I have been way more steady and centered. I know it sounds crazy to say but I do feel that this experience has helped me to heal and understand my first experience in many ways. After Liam was born, I very much felt like I failed to protect him, and I felt disempowered by the whole experience. This time, I realize I did everything I could and did everything right and it still ended up the way it ended up. In fact just knowing that less than 1% of uterine ruptures occur during a VBAC, vaginal birth after cesarean, tells me there was nothing I could have done to prevent this. By all accounts I am healthy and was so throughout my entire pregnancy. I think my happy, healthy pregnancy and all that time to bond with Lila in utero has helped us both to tolerate this wild ride. She is a strong, sweet, beautiful baby.

Most of the tears I have cried have been out of deep gratitude for Lila and myself being alive and together. I am so grateful she is here and doing well. I am so thankful to everyone who has helped take care of us here at UMC and thankful for all the love and blessings from family and friends that have sustained us while we are going through this.

Hopeful and Thankful,

Marcia

The last few days~

2011-06-03T09:04:00.000-07:00

I am 39 weeks and at the end of my pregnancy. It's been pretty quiet this last week. I taught my last class until August 2 last Thursday and am just staying close to home. Mostly, I've spent my time doing the last bit of preparing before this baby arrives and resting in between.

Everyday, I feel little changes in my body as it prepares for labor. I feel highs and lows in my energy as one day I feel the desire to do a lot and the next, I feel like doing nothing at all. It's strange not to be headed off to class to teach but am enjoying a little break before it gets really busy. I can't complain. I miss seeing people at the studio but they are always close at heart, and I will be back at it in no time.

I am now at that point where I feel ready to meet this little one. I have enjoyed this pregnancy and think this is just such an amazing experience. And even though I have been pregnant before and loved being pregnant with Liam, this time around is still unique and, in many ways, feels new.

At this time, I am just waiting and making sure I enjoy these last few days of ripeness, enjoying these last moments of feeling this little girl wiggle and move around on the inside, and savoring the sweetness of sharing the same space, the same body with this little one.

It's an interesting place to be, sitting on the edge of life as I know it; anticipating the changes to come. My life, the life of my family is about to shift in ways we cannot even fathom yet. The structure of our family will be different in a matter of days, and we will have much to learn in the days to come. How will we manage our time with two little ones? How will we manage our energy and keep a good attitude and a buoyant spirit when we feel heavy with the tired. We just will. Just like we did with Liam, we will figure it out as we go. Besides, parenting is a jump-in-and-swim sort of thing. It's a learn on the job affair with moments of humor and exhaustion thrown in and a whole lot of moments of wonder. Seeing life through the eyes of a new soul is a gift. Life becomes new for us too even with all there is to do.

Soon, I will be in it and living a life that is new in some ways and familiar in other ways. I am looking forward to embracing what life is bringing us and to meeting this baby girl.

Patiently Waiting...

M

LOVE

2011-05-18T15:21:00.000-07:00

Heather

I'm making rice. The wind is wild and blowing outside. It's a stay-close-to-home sort of day as I am feeling quite fatigued and emotional. This tired I am feeling is not usual for me. These, of course, are all signs that I am nearing the end of this sweet pregnancy. Now, I am in a place of contemplation, trying to get clear if I need to begin my break from teaching a week early. On the one hand, my mind says, "you can make it through the next few days." While on the other hand, my body is saying, "it's break time my love." So I will sit with this question and see how I feel in the morning. Today is a day to just be.

Since I am home, I have been doing a fair amount of thinking. I have been thinking a lot about my friend Heather. Everyday I visit her blog to read the words she has written and open myself to the teachings she and her beautiful son, Max, have to share and offer. Every time I visit this blog, I cry. I cry for Heather's loss. I cry for the love she and every mother has for their child. I cry for the beauty and heartfelt sharing that each person offers up and how each person pours their hearts out in the comment box. I cry knowing that each day my dear friend wakes, she decides to do something good in whatever way she can. I do not know, but imagine she wakes with a deep ache, a deep longing in her heart to have her son near and to get out of bed to pump Max's Milk and send it out into the world to babies in need of mother's milk is a heroic feat in and of itself.

Everyday Heather wakes, she decides to respond to what life has handed her instead of react and retract from the pain. I am moved by her ability to love, to be courageous, to be so vulnerable and yet so alive and present with it all. Heather is a shining example of a spiritual being, an honest to goodness human being, a spiritual warrior with a heart that has been split wide open.

So, please, if you have not visited the site listed below, take some time to do so now. Visit the High Five Max web page and read what Heather has written and what other people have offered up as love in the form of words in a show of support for a mother and son who are most deserving of it.

http://highfivemax.blogspot.com/2011/05/maxs-rebirth-prayer.html#comments

I hope you will be moved to Love more deeply, more fully because you want to not because you have to. I hope you remember to look around and be grateful for all the good in your life and really appreciate all the people in your life because they won't be here forever. I hope you decide to do your best, to live your best and keep opening your heart again and again knowing there are no guarantees you will not get hurt. Instead, I hope you will realize that Letting Love In, letting Life in is worth the risk every time. The question is, what will you decide to do with what life brings you? How will you make good on your promise to live this life well? Remember, we get to choose. So... Do you choose LOVE or do you choose Fear?

LOVE,

Marcia

Ripe

2011-05-17T22:57:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it's been nearly a month since my last post. Where does the time go? Each day comes and goes so quickly lately. You'd think at this point it would seem to me to be dragging but it isn't.

I am a Ripe 36 weeks and 5 days. I am nearing the end of this miraculous experience and just hoping I will somehow remember what it feels like when this little babe is swimming around on the inside and stretching here little limbs as much as she can in her ever-shrinking home. My favorite part is feeling her move and feeling her energy with my hands through my belly.

People ask me if I am ready for her to come, if I am ready to be done with being pregnant. I don't feel that way at all. Yes, I am excited to meet my daughter and set my eyes upon here beautiful physical form, but I am in no hurry. I know this will be the last time I will be pregnant, so it is important for me to savor this very special time in my life. It is important for me to love and embrace the fullness of my form and love my very ripe belly for it will never be this full of life again. Soon, this time will be over and it will be a year later and I will be asking myself where the time went and how did my daughter grow so fast. It's a good lesson in taking life day by day instead rushing ahead to the main event. Isn't life full enough of rushing ahead?

I will share that showing up to teach is more challenging as of late as my energy level has changed. Of course, my classes always go well and both the students and myself leave feeling happy and bright, which is perfect. I am showing up and doing the best I can without putting undue pressure on myself to have all the elements spot on. I just show up, offer up what I've got and it unfolds as it should. If I start to feel overwhelmingly tired, then I will start my break a earlier so that I have a little time before this baby girl makes her debut.

Today, I felt a noticeable shift in my body. I had some cramping front to back, off and on all day and can feel my baby's head is low in my pelvis. I certainly feel heaviness and achiness in the groin and pelvic area, so I am thinking that this baby will be here very soon.

Mostly each day has been about getting things in order in our house to welcome our newest member while continuing to do what needs to be done. I work in spurts. One day, I have energy to get things done and the next I need to rest. I only have a little left to do, but I know I need to rest too.

Speaking of rest, it's late. I need to sleep. Good night.

Sweet Dreams,
Marcia

Synchronicity~

2011-04-21T14:57:00.000-07:00

So I had this experience today that I thought I would share because it surprised me and it seemed so kind and out of the ordinary.

I was in the UMC OB waiting room waiting to see my doctor when this sweet old woman in her 80's stopped to sit down and talk with me. She said, " God guides me to talk to certain people and he guided me to talk to you." So we sat and chatted and she told me her name. I shared my name and then she asked when I was due and if I knew what I was having. I shared with her both pieces of information and then she placed her hand on my belly, said a blessing, closed her eyes for a moment and then opened them again and said, " You're going to have an easy birth." I smiled and thanked her and we chatted a bit more.

Sweet little story and a wonderful experience to have just before my daughter is born especially since it is my wish to have an easy, peaceful, joyful birth and this is what I have been preparing for. There is no doubt in my mind that this seemingly random moment with a stranger and the words she spoke were meant for me and my sweet baby. I'd say that waiting for over an hour to see my doctor was worth it as it put me in the right place at the right time to hear exactly what I needed to hear.

Synchronicity? Yes, I think so.

Smile,

Marcia

The Yoga of Life~

2011-04-18T22:23:00.000-07:00

“Life is a gift, and it offers us the privilege, opportunity, and responsibility to give something back by becoming more” ( Anthony Robbins )

Hmmm.... where to begin? I haven't written a post in over a month and have been spending less time on line in general. Part of the reason I needed to spend less time on line is that a couple dear friends of mine have both suffered a great loss. Two of my dear friends lost their babies. My one friend lost her baby at 18 weeks or so pregnant and my other dear friend had to say goodbye to her baby just 8 days after he arrived. Hearing of this news hit my heart so deeply, and I think that I have been trying to recover from that. I think having suffered 2 miscarriages last year and experiencing complications and uncertainty after my own sons arrival over 4 years ago triggered a lot of emotions in me. I really feel for my two friends and wish there was more I could do to help them through this difficult time in their lives. Yet even as my heart and love goes out to these two beautiful women in my life, I must hold steady and maintain a certain amount of love and care for myself and my own baby. I must also remember how fortunate I am in this very moment to be having this experience of life and fullness that I am having and not feel bad about that. It is imperative that I appreciate this most auspicious time in my life and cherish each moment as it is for however long it lasts.

So this is where I am at, I am in week 32 of my pregnancy and all is going well. The weeks seem to be going fast and am just trying to get myself prepared for this little one's arrival. I have an ultrasound with some specialists on Wednesday to make sure our baby girl's heart is looking good and that there are no issues like a narrow aorta or any other special surprises with her heart. I am feeling pretty good physically but think that has a lot to do with the fact that I walk everyday and am still practicing 4 times a week. My practice sessions are generally 30-40 minutes but that does the trick and helps a ton. Of course, a lot of poses are out of reach at this time but there is still a lot I can do too so am grateful for that. I am definitely feeling the surge and sift of the hormones as it doesn't take much to make me weepy these days. I am simply riding the waves of life and staying focused on getting things done and together so that I can relax the last month of this pregnancy and rest as much as possible.

Of course, that is easier said than done and, well, everyday seems to provide me with plenty to work on at home, within my family and within myself. In particular, Liam has been really challenging these days with showing more anger and aggression in his actions like wanting to hit or pinch or spit at me and Jason when he feels frustrated or mad about something. At the moment, I am still just so surprised by this new development in him that some days it bums me out and brings me down. I am doing as much reading and research on this topic as I can to gain some insight on ways to help him express his anger or frustration in a more productive way and to gain some insight on how to handle this new phase as well as to gain some insight on how to be a better parent. Keeping my own energy and emotions in check is hard enough, so working with Liam and his changing energy and emotions is an added challenge. And, well, there is never a dull moment around the Tullous' household where I am not being pushed to learn and grow in some way everyday. All I can do is hang in there and keep trying to get this parenting and family thing right one day at a time. I guess it's a good thing that I get practice in patience, parenting, loving and living everyday because apparently I need it.

It's true that Family Yoga is serious yoga and the practice sessions are ongoing. There are no rest days in this practice. Some days, well, who am I kidding? Most days, I feel like a beginner, a novice, a mom without a clue. Other days, I feel better. I am hoping for more of the better days, the days where I feel less wobbly and more steady, but it may be a while since we are adding to the family dynamics. I get the feeling, though, that this new addition, this little girl who is already with us, is coming to help us balance things out and bring some lightness into our lives. A whole new time in my family's life is about to begin and that is exciting.

In the meantime, I guess I'll just have to take each day and moment as it comes and continue to show up each morning ready to participate and practice fully in the yoga of life with my family.

With Love and a Full Belly,

Marcia

Another Year Around the Sun: A Turning Point~

2011-03-16T09:32:00.000-07:00

Because time itself is like a spiral, something special happens on your birthday each year: The same energy that Spirit invested in you at birth is present once again.
~Menachem Mendel Schneerson

Today marks my 37th birthday, another year around the sun, a turning point in more ways than one. Yes, this is a day to celebrate today and reflect upon yesterday so that is what I will do.

One year ago today, I was in the middle of my first miscarriage so last years birthday wasn't quite as light and joyful as this one feels. It's hard to believe how much has happened in a year. It is quite a blessing to be pregnant at this time of year with my belly waxing full. This time in my life feels like a healing, and I can certainly feel a lot of changes occurring on the inside and outside.

I was just thinking the other day about how necessary it is for me to be clear about what I am focusing on and putting my energy into because at times I feel a bit torn. A great example is this feeling of wanting to continue to put my energy and time into working towards learning and growing as a student and teacher and how I feel a strong desire to be certified. Then, I have to remind myself that as my energy and focus shifts to this pregnancy, this baby, the birth and changes in my life and family that are to come that it is appropriate and necessary for my focus to shift. I have to remind myself that the workshops and trainings and higher learning are always there. This part of my life is not going anywhere and will be waiting for me when I feel ready to return and jump into that more fully.

For now, I feel the need to nurture and enjoy this time in my life, to give what I can to my practice and offerings as a teacher and to let go of the rest. I have enough changes going on and things to prepare for so there's no need to add to an already full plate.

I will say it is a relief to let go into this experience of pregnancy and new dimension of motherhood as I no longer feel pulled in two directions. For now, I am choosing the yoga of motherhood and family. And in many ways, I feel this will be a turning point for me in my growth as a human being.

I came to this realization the other night while attending my first hypnobirthing class that this is a time of healing for me. As the class began, I had this very heady feeling. I don't know if other people have this experience, but I have these moments from time to time where I experience this feeling of lightness, like the lines between the material world and spiritual world are blurred. I feel the energy in the room shift and I get this distinct feeling of being surrounded by spirits. I always see these moments as signs that I am in the right place and on track on my path. It's a bit of a trip because as I am noticing this going on, yet I have to keep myself anchored in the moment.

I had a few powerful a-ha! moments during class that night. I realized just how much my first birth experience affected me and how I have been focusing on the negatives of that experience versus the positives. When the teacher asked the question, "What was your favorite part of your birth?" I realized I had not once thought about my sons birth in that way. All I could see is what went wrong. It was a lovely moment of reckoning and realization. I see now where I need to watch my thoughts more closely and work with rewriting that story. And I think in the process of working with my thoughts and building that awareness, I will be changed for the better.

I feel I should mention, though, that I don't think that looking honestly at a situation to see what went wrong is bad. In fact, I see it as a necessary part of the healing process. When we take time to look at all angles of a painful situation we process the pain, we heal from it and we get clear on what we do want instead of what we don't want. That being said, I am now at a point where I can let go of the negatives and focus on the positives, and I view this time as a wonderful opportunity to clear out the old to welcome the new. The best part is that I think that the healing that occurs during this time will have a positive affect in all other areas of my life.

All I can think is that life is wild ride full of twists and turns, ups and downs, joy and sorrow and one dissolves into the other. Life is constantly turning us around so that we see all that is possible and we make the best use of our time and this beautiful life.

So as I begin my new journey around the sun, I am all about enjoying the ride.

Make a wish,
Marcia

A Diamond in the Making~

2011-02-26T22:03:00.000-08:00

It's late, I'm tired and I feel crummy. I really should be in bed but can't go to sleep with all this that's on my mind. I'll never rest well unless I get a bit of this out.

I have been wanting to write but have been putting it off in a way. I have been journaling daily, which is something I love to do, but have not been writing about one particular thing. I have had something on my mind, this coming and going sort of thought that I talk down or just sit with to see if it will subside, but, well, it doesn't or hasn't yet. I don't know if my ups and downs have to do simply with hormones or not, but wish I could just blame my state on that as it would be easier then really looking at my stuff.

And the truth is there is a lot of stuff coming up for me. I am sure due in part to the fact that I am undergoing serious changes inside and out. My body is changing, my life is changing, and I am changing. My practice is something new everyday and teaching gets more and more interesting as I grow along.

I have a lot on my mind such as the fact that we may be moving out of our house into another one in town somewhere, which is a big enough change at this stage in the pregnancy game as it is. We will move if we can't get an immediate and permanent modification on our loan. The next phase or question is: Will we be able to short sale on our house or will we need to foreclose and let it go? This is not an easy or light topic and well, this is big stuff. Yes, I feel stressed if I think about it all too much, so I try not to and just continue to do what I can to prepare myself for whatever is next.

Then, there is my whole yoga life and certification which is also always on my mind. I have been having these moments lately where I look around and see my Kula friends out there doing fun and amazing things and I feel sometimes like I am missing out. I realize that this is just one perspective and that I can flip it, so I do. It helps most of the time. I still, however, feel a desire to also be doing things like assisting, attending more workshops and classes and trainings, but the timing is just not right nor are our finances. Then I go to this place where I feel like I am not doing enough, which never feels good and never serves me. But even still I find myself in that place. And what it comes down to is that I have a family and another yoga life to attend to and to do both is challenging. This particular path that I am traveling is rough sometimes, but it is the one I chose.

I am not unhappy per se but I have my moments. I know I am fortunate in so many ways and I love my little family, so I want to be clear on that. I am in no way resentful or regretful about my choice to be a wife, a mother, a yogi, a daughter, a teacher, a human being walking in this world. I guess I just sometimes feel like life is asking a lot of me. And I guess I just happen to be one of those souls that is here to change and grow A LOT. So grow and learn A LOT is what I do. I must have lot of ground to cover before this particular run is over.

I suppose if I didn't have so much to learn, though, I wouldn't have much to teach. Lesson after lesson present themselves to me, and sometimes I get tired. I know that I have more to do in my life than to just be a mom but that aspect of my life is vital and alive and at the forefront right now. The truth is that the mom part is where I am getting schooled daily. And then throw in the married life practice and poof! there's a whole lot of learning going on. So the point of all this is that life is a great balancing act and currently I think I'm barely hanging on.

When I catch myself going to that place where I feel I am missing out and feel alone on my particular journey, I have to stop myself and make a serious effort to shift my perspective. But before that happens, most of the time I cry. Then, I have to stop myself and begin again and really look at and consider all the things that I am fortunate to have. Here are a few: big grey-blue eyes full of wonder and delight to look into, hugs full of the sweetest kind of love from my bright-eyed boy, the honor and privilege of holding the space for another soul to grow and thrive in, feeling that little soul move around inside me, being in touch with Spirit in such a deep way, family, having the chance to teach from a different place of experience, an amazing Kula, classes full of really wonderful people, and well there is plenty more for me to be grateful for. That is the point. Even when I miss it, someone or something helps me to remember the greatness all around me and the greatness within me, which I often times fail to see and know for myself.

In those moments when I need it most, I come across something beautiful. I came across this quote by Peter Marshall, "When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that Oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure." This has been my quote all week and the theme for my classes because this is where I am at. I am that someone who needs to be reminded. I need to remember that all this that I am going through is necessary work in order to uncover what it is that is hiding underneath and dying to be seen, to be felt, to be touched.

What can I say, I am a work in progress, a diamond in the making. My rough edges are sloughed away, and my radiance is revealed.

Refine, refine, refine,
Practice, practice, practice,

Marcia

Over the Moon~

2011-02-10T09:36:00.000-08:00

Yes, it's true that I am over the moon with joy. My intuition was validated yesterday at the fetal echo ultrasound when Jason and I found out that our little baby is a girl and she's healthy. I have felt that this baby I'm carrying is a little girl since the start. I think she is speaking to me and sharing a lot about herself with me already. I think of her, and I think of birds and lightheartedness and joy. She must be a happy soul.

Mostly, I am deeply grateful for this gift and experience. I am excited to meet this little person, to see her and hold her. I am in no rush, though, because I am so enjoying being pregnant. I want to embrace every moment of this experience because this will be my last pregnancy and it is a miraculous and wonderful event.

It really feels to me that things in life have shifted for us, for me and my family that is. It feels like things have gone from really intense and difficult to light and easy. I feel that this all happened following the last push of the eviction process of our tenant. As difficult as that week in Colorado was, it was also oddly empowering for me. I felt that I was able to really get creative about and with the situation and make things happen on my own. The best part is that I felt I had it within me to change the situation regardless of whether or not I had help from the courts or the deputy.

My creativity showed up in new and interesting ways. Even though thing were moving slowly with the courts and the tenant had completely given up on moving and was doing nothing to help the situation, I did not feel like that was all that could be done. After sitting with things and looking over every angle of the situation, I decided I could do more, so I did. I called the tenant's list of contacts, the VA Vet hospital, lawyers, and reached out to friends. People came through. Friends of the renter came forward and we finished packing up what was left at the house and moved it all out. As Claudia, the renter's friend, said it best, we each made a friend in each other in the process.

As the townhouse got cleared out, I felt an amazing sense of relief and lightness. It felt like a block in the road had been removed, and I could see the way forward. My determination, creativity and vision paid off big because I left the Springs with all that I had hoped to accomplish, accomplished: the townhouse was vacated, new locks were put on the doors, new carpet and a refrigerator were picked out, I found and chose a great property management company, and I ceremoniously cleared and blessed our little house to create space for new possibilities to arise. I left feeling good about my efforts. I left knowing that what is to come will be far better than what was before.

So here I am home again and am so grateful to be here. It never ceases to amazing me how the difficult moments always teach you the most and create the greatest growth. As I have made my way through the tough stuff, I am now able to enjoy the sweet stuff. I feel free of the earthly heaviness and am now able to leap over the moon with joy. I embrace the light of the stars, the spacious feeling in my heart and the beauty of my life as it is at this time. I have earned this ease. I have earned this joy. Let's celebrate!

Grateful Always,

Marcia

Big Breath and Audible Sigh

2011-01-27T15:44:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting in a coffee shop in Colorado Springs trying to wrap my head around all that has transpired in the last few days, weeks, months. I arrived late on Sunday, January 23, just in time to go to court on Monday morning to move forward with the eviction of our current tenant. My travels to Colorado were smooth, and I made it on time to my court hearing. Since that point, though, the rest of my time here has been stressful, draining, and challenging.

I finally got word that a judgement on the possession of our house was passed down, which is a relief. Jason and I have been granted possession of our townhouse and are just now waiting on a deputy to be assigned to our case. Once the sheriff is assigned to our case, we wait to hear word as to when we will be able to go to the house and help our renter remove the rest of his belongings.

I met with a property manager this morning who went through the house with me and it was both a sobering and depressing experience. Our little town home is trashed, and it will take some serious cleaning, repairs and an army of people to get it back in renting condition. After seeing the state of the house in detail today, I had a good cry. I feel angry after seeing our home and am deeply disappointed by this persons lack of care and respect for the house and even for himself. It really is a sad situation.

At this point, I am just ready to move forward and get this mess cleaned up. I am missing my boys and home in general. I am grateful that we are getting closer to having this problem resolved and to having some clarity as to my family's next step to improve and change our circumstances.

Obviously, both my Jason and I have learned a lot from this experience. I can't help but wonder if this is a lesson for us or for our renter or both. What does it all mean?! Is 'Hire a Property Manage' or 'Don't trust people' the take home message? Seriously, I can't help but wonder what it is that I am to learn from all this. So far, I just think the legal system and being a landlady SUCKS. I suppose that thought doesn't really help me, though. Right now, I am a landlady and must do what needs to be done and, in the meantime, hope and pray and do whatever the hell I can to insure this does not happen again.

So... Onward and Upward... Making things happen for the better one step at a time.

Big Breath and Audible Sigh,

Marcia

Peace~

2011-01-08T20:56:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow's class and practice will be a peace offering. Please join me in moving with meaning and offering our love and light to those in need.

Om Shanti, Shanti, Shanti,

Marcia

2011~

2011-01-05T08:53:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year! We are officially at the start of a new year, a new beginning. All over facebook there are posts bubbling with excitement at what the new year holds. It seems many have a feeling of elation and determination at the start of the year, which is great and am sure some momentum helps. I wish I could say that I felt such elation but I don't. This is not to say that I am not ready to welcome something new and different because I am.

However, I find that I am not overly excited about the new year. As a matter of fact, I don't feel any extreme swing in my emotions at all. Maybe that is a good thing as with high highs come low lows. Still I find myself wondering when and if such joy at the start will hit me at some later point. Maybe I am just at place in life where I am taking it one day at a time and the amount of hope in my heart and my knowledge of my life as being full of possibility stays steady.

I have many friends in the yoga community who I see on this path, many of them new to yoga and a fair amount more versed, with lots of momentum and joy built up over the past year. 2011 holds great possibility as well it should after so much effort was put in over the past year. I get that many have just been pulled onto the path and this new land is fresh and exciting and there is much to feel inspired and motivated by, yet here I am having the opposite experience. It's hard not to feel like I am missing out in some way as I feel the buzz of excitement all around me. It's quite an interesting thing to be taking a step back in some ways and being at peace with it. So here I am in this funny place of wanting to continue my growth and learning on this path while knowing that I can really only give so much to this endeavor at this time. My energy and attention is needed elsewhere. As things progress in on one area, things must slow in another. That is just the natural way of things.

As you might imagine, I am in a very contemplative place at this time and this is certainly due to the fact that my life and body are in a state of flux. It's odd that being pregnant this time feels so new and different. It's a fascinating place to be in because this particular process of change and growth on physical level comes with some serious shifting on the inside.

It's funny that I am still surprised at the fact that I am pregnant and already this far along. I suppose that's because it was hard to get here and it took a while. It feels a bit surreal, like I've leaped into another lifetime.

I feel fortunate for all that I have learned from my practice with regard to learning to really be in the flow of life and learning how to embrace where my life is leading me even if that means I am traveling a different direction and have less company at the moment. I realize I am lucky to have this perspective of practice and teaching while pregnant, for there is a lot to learn in the process of change. Since I am in a place of great change, I am sure to learn great things.

Here's to the beauty and mystery of life.

Blessings to each of you for a Joyful and Enlightening Year. May this year be full of all the things that make your heart truly happy.

Marcia

The Light in the Dark~

2010-12-22T07:52:00.000-08:00

The dark night is giving way to the light this morning. And for such an intense time, the sunrise this morning is so soft and colorful. I am grateful to be up to witness the beauty and quiet of the morning. It's amazing how nature can soften my gaze and help my heart stay focused on the good.

It's been a wild ride this year and there is a lot on my mind. That being said, I am hanging in there. I have definitely felt the pull of the full moon, the powerful lunar eclipse, the craziness of Mercury retrograde and the sweetness of the winter solstice. It's a strange brew but that is just it, things are brewing and I feel it. Change is on the horizon.

Even though this has been a tough time for many, myself and family included, we have all made it this far. There is hope. The good news is that the fall downward always gives way to the rise upward.

For the last few weeks, I have been thinking a lot about this year and how important it is for me to get clear on my sankalpa, intention, for the new year. Because before I can plant the seeds of intention in the deep, dark of my heart, I need to contemplate what matters most to me and get clear on my vision for my life and what it is I want to create and bring forth.

One thing I know for sure is that I am in the creation phase of things and this is ever present and evident in the blossoming of my belly. This pregnancy and this little growing baby is by far the best part of this year. This little baby is a blessing. Then again, babies do bring big blessings, so I am feeling fortunate and grateful for such a blessing.

I would venture to say that things are already looking up despite a few things still in need of changing. I suppose patience is required at this point.

I will end this with a link to Anodea Judith's blog. What she writes on her blog or site sums things up perfectly. Read it and enjoy.

http://campaigns.ratepoint.com/campaigns/2d20f0a2b7f1f5e7f0f0a2a9542d7c37

Sending Blessings and Best Wishes out to each of you for a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

With Love and Hope,

Marcia

This Landlady Has A Headache!

2010-12-15T14:16:00.000-08:00

It's quiet in the house. Liam is napping and all I hear is the hum of the refrigerator. The cat is sitting next to me purring and staring at me in the hopes that I will stop typing and pet her. I am glad to feel more at peace today, though, nothing is so different today than yesterday except maybe my acceptance of my bothersome situation.

What is my bothersome situation? Well, let me explain...

Jason and I own a townhouse in Colorado Springs that we were not able to sell before we moved here to Tucson because the housing market turned bad. Because we could not sell our townhouse, Jason and I decided to hang on to it and rent it out. We have been renting out our townhouse for the last 3 years and it's been a real pain this year. Unfortunately, we are still waiting to see rent from our current renter for November and December. We have heard every excuse you can think of as to why the rent is not here. It's frustrating because the renters before our current resident also skipped out on paying for July and August, changed their phone numbers, left no forwarding address, and have made no effort to respond to our emails or phone calls, but, of course, why would they when they know what they did was shitty. Excuse my language, but I think it is warranted in this case. So what seems like just two months of waiting has really been 6 months. My patience has worn thin, and my family has felt the pressure of barely making ends meet.

On the positive side, because there's always a positive mixed somewhere within the negative, at least we are managing to pay all of our bills. At least we have each other, a little house to live in, food to eat, a car to drive, clothes to wear, a healthy baby on the way (which sounds like an odd thing to be grateful for in the midst of financial strain but it is something we are definitely grateful for), we do work we love and get paid for it, and we have loving supportive family and friends all around us. When I write it like that and stop to remember these things, I feel the worry fall away and I breathe again. This isn't to say that I don't wish this situation was resolved because I do, but we can only do what we can do. Right now, as Jason kindly reminded me, we take it one step at a time and wait for things to change as we move forward.

The next step, is having a friend go over to see if this tenant is still even in our house. If there is still someone there, they need to call, pay via wiring the money immediately or we begin the eviction process. To be honest, I don't think I am cut out to be a long-distance landlady, but alas here I am as such. So... a damn good landlady I will be! I have decided that I will not be the overly nice, overly accommodating type, though, as my tolerance for excuses and flat out lies is very low.

Furthermore, changes will be made in our land-lording style, if there is such a word. We will hire a property manager, first and last months rent, security deposit and the rental agreement will be signed prior to moving in. Some of these things we are already doing, but we now see we need to do more to protect ourselves because I do not like the headache and worry of all this. I suppose we are learning the hard way that not all people do what they know is right. I feel intense disappointment when I know I am being lied to. Nothing bothers me more than when someone is dishonest, and I know it because I feel the undercurrent of it.

So today is a new day. I am still not happy with this situation, but I cannot let it rule my day or throw me overboard into a sea of uncertain emotions, which totally happened yesterday. Really, I think it is a matter of doing what I can do to make the most of the situation: remain calm, cry if I need to in order to free myself of some of the frustration, and, ultimately, trust that this will all work out in our favor.

I think the hardest part of this is really letting it go, letting go of what I cannot control. The phrase "let go and let God" comes to mind. I guess what that means is let go of the situation and respond accordingly when life calls for it and the time is right. I suppose that's all any of us can really do, right?

As always, I feel way better sharing this all because it feels less heavy. Ahhh... so I breathe, hope for and trust in the best.

Inhale, Exhale,

Marcia

Recipe for Christmas All Year Long

2010-12-13T20:15:00.000-08:00

Well, this is just sweet. Enjoy!

Recipe for Christmas All Year Long

Take a heap of child-like wonder
That opens up our eyes
To the unexpected gifts in life—
Each day a sweet surprise.

Mix in fond appreciation
For the people whom we know;
Like festive Christmas candles,
Each one has a special glow.

Add some giggles and some laughter,
A dash of Christmas food,
(Amazing how a piece of pie
Improves our attitude!)

Stir it all with human kindness;
Wrap it up in love and peace,
Decorate with optimism, and
Our joy will never cease.

If we use this healthy recipe,
We know we will remember
To be in the Christmas spirit,
Even when it's not December.

(By Joanna Fuchs)

This so cool...

2010-12-08T07:43:00.000-08:00

Okay, so here is a collection of my status posts on facebook over this past year. It flows pretty well and was pretty amazed by what I read. Read and enjoy.

Blessings,
Marcia

The Next Big Adventure~

2010-11-30T10:35:00.000-08:00

What you are looking at is a picture of , as Jason put it, our family's next big adventure. Yes, this is a picture of baby number 2 in utero at 12 weeks and 3 days with its little hand up near its face. Amazing isn't it?!

It was such a relief to hear the baby's heartbeat yesterday and see that the baby is thriving and doing well. I felt like I was in a holding pattern with this pregnancy due to the fact that the last two have not been viable. I didn't want to get too excited for obvious reasons. Now that we have made it to this point, I feel like I can breathe a sigh of relief and let go into the experience. The risk of a miscarriage at 12 weeks with the baby being healthy is only 1 or 2% . The statistics are nice to read but the good feeling I have inside is an even better indicator of this being a happy, healthy pregnancy.

It is so nice to actually be able to enjoy this experience now instead of feeling I am waiting to do so. In about 6 weeks or so we will get to find out whether this little bean is a boy or a girl. My feeling is that it is a girl. I say this because I keep calling it a "she". I haven't had any dreams during this pregnancy yet. However, I did have a dream during my last pregnancy of a little girl with lots of dark brown hair and big brown eyes. She was a happy baby in my dream. I will be sure to share any dreams I have of this little one. So far my dreams are just plain weird.

All in all, I feel good. Jason is back home from Costa Rica and things have slowed down, which is a nice change. It is hard to believe that the holidays are here and the end of the year is near. I have much to reflect on over this past year as it seems a lot has happened. 2010 has been a wild ride and not an easy one. To be honest, I am ready to say so long to this year and open myself up to what is next to come.

So here I am making the most of the moment, welcoming our next big adventure, and loving every minute of it all.

Peace Out,

Marcia

Wednesday

2010-11-10T08:03:00.000-08:00

It's Wednesday morning, an average day. It's cold this morning, well, at least to those of us who live in the desert. The sun is doing its best to warm and brighten things up. Liam is cuddled on the couch next to me. We are both feeling lazy and slow this morning. I am feeling a little tired because I stayed up until around midnight for no good reason. I have some work to do around the house, a soup to make and a class to think about, so there is plenty to be done. Of course, that is nothing new.

Last night I actually met up with a friend, had tea and great conversation. It's odd that I don't do this more often because I need to spend some time with other people out of my house. Anyway, it was so great to have someone to talk to about what has been on my mind and to have someone to talk to about the upcoming Teacher Training and finally get clear on what to do.

You see, I have been on the fence about attending the level 3 TT after having such a difficult time following the second one. I have spent the last couple months trying to digest my experience and really try to understand why it left me feeling so off. I think that what I have come to realize is that it was just not what I needed to do for myself at that time. It's not like I need to do another teacher training as I have done many. This is not to say that I don't see the benefit in it because I do. I just think that it is bad timing with regard to what is going on in my life at this time.

During my conversation with my friend last night, I realized that the word that kept coming up for me when thinking about attending this upcoming TT was, "strain". It just seems like it would be a strain on my family in more ways than one at this time. Also, I don't see the point in going on to do level 3 when I haven't really fully integrated the things I learned from the second training. I am not someone who likes to do things to just do them. I have to be clear on why I am doing what I am doing, make sure I am doing what I need for me, and I need to feel ready to receive what is next. I feel I have plenty to work with at this time and, well, I feel like my energy and focus needs to be on my family at this time.

In the future, I would really love to do the level 3 training because I would love to learn how to teach some of the more advanced poses since I don't often teach poses off that syllabus, and I really need to improve my understanding of the more advanced poses before I attempt to teach them. Maybe I will be up for the level 3 TT next year either here or somewhere else. I am open. All that being said, I am a little bummed to miss being in such good company, as one of the best parts of a week-long training are the people. I hope I can spend a little time with a few of my friends who will be in town at lunch or over tea to catch up and connect.

The only thing that I would like to do before the year is out is attend the Yoga hour training with Darren and, maybe, the workshop with Darren, Noah, and Christina. We will see. I will just do what feels right.

I suppose that about sums things up for now. I can't believe it is near the end of the year. It is a good time for me to look over the past year and take it in so that I can be ready to set my intention for the new year.

Have a great day,
Marcia

Hello! It's been a while...

2010-10-31T16:36:00.000-07:00

Well, I guess it's been a while since my last post. The month of October is nearly over, and I am glad. It's been a hard, awkward month. Then again, come to think of it, it has been a hard year. I feel like I am just moving over the hard edge into something new, or at least I hope that is the case.

Teaching has been different and, at times, felt strange. Mostly, I am taking things one class at a time. I have just decided to put the last teacher training and the information from that experience on the back burner. I feel more like I need to just let myself absorb the information from that training before I try to do anything with it. I have decided just to show up and teach how I teach. I am trying to teach without my mind getting in the way so much with all the things I am supposed to be doing because, let's face it, that sort of kills the process for me. I figure what I need from what I have learned recently and over the years will come to me and serve me in the way that I need it to, when I need it to.

In general, at this time, I feel like I am doing a lot of inner work... some soul searching if you will. I feel like the focus in my life is shifting, and I am headed in a different direction of sorts. I am not sure how to make more sense of that statement other than that sentence has less to do with teaching and more to do with my life in general.

I have gotten some clarity on what I need to do to feel better because I have been feeling pretty off and have been hyper sensitive and emotional in general. I think that a lot of the difficulty of this past month has to do with my feeling depleted on all levels and needing some time to nurture myself more. I know that when I get worn down and am not centered my mind is not a happy place. Meaning my thoughts tend toward the negative. For now, I am just doing what I can to rest and am doing things that help me to recharge. Also, I am watching my thoughts so that I can change them before they get out of control.

I guess that about sums things up for now. It's life as usual, which is a good thing most of the time. Tonight we will take Liam around the neighborhood to trick or treat and have a little fun. Liam has decided to be Spiderman this year and has been wearing his costume everyday almost all day since we got it. His costume already has giant holes in the knees, which I will need to patch up! I think it's funny and adorable how much he loves his costume. I am sure he will be wearing his Spidey outfit even after Halloween is over.

Enjoy dancing in the space between the two worlds on this Halloween Eve.

Marcia

Unexpected ~

2010-10-09T09:53:00.000-07:00

It's Thursday morning, the first day following the end of teacher training 2. I am in a tired but quiet place and for that I am grateful. It feels sort of the like the calm after the storm. I feel some relief but am also still feeling a bit thrown by my experience. I am not even sure if it is a good idea for me to write and try to process some of the last 6 days or not, but I feel the desire to write so will write.

It is now Saturday morning and I still feel zapped energetically. I have a lot on my mind. I have spent the last few days trying to understand my experience during this last teacher training. I still don't know what to make of it all.

The good news is I did learn a lot and the people who made up the group of 50 are really beautiful people. I was in good company and that is one of my favorite parts of teacher trainings, immersions and workshops. Usually, though I leave these events feeling inspired, energized, uplifted. I feel the exact opposite. I am not even sure when, why or how things went downhill for me. I began the TT with a cold but in good spirits and with high hopes of this being something to recharge me in some way. I feel depleted and uninspired. I feel bummed and am having trouble turning that around.

Yes, the TT was challenging in a way that I did not expect it to be. I knew there would be a lot to learn and that there would be a fair amount of things that I had forgotten or that I have not really learned and that there would be a lot for me to improve upon. However, I felt that I was in a decent place simply because of all the years I have put into this and because I have a fair amount of teaching experience under my belt.

I found the TT to be kind of painful. The first day was great with some movement in the morning, yoga, conversation and some really useful and valuable exercises in looking for the good. The second day was pretty good. Each person had to get up in front of the group and teach a pose. The next few days were the same... A full class was put up on the white board and each person had to put their name next to a pose to either demo, re-demo and teach, and refine. The entire morning was spent doing that. Meaning 3 painfully slow hours of this major intensity and discomfort. Really, for me those days are a blur and don't even know if that happened 3 days in a row or 4.

I felt a lot of anxiety in the room, in myself, and in the process. I do understand and appreciate the value of being challenged but am not sure that I agree with this teaching approach. I do not feel that I learned very much during this portion of the training because my mind was not in a receptive state. And I guess, on some level, I feel that I am constantly challenged everyday in my personal life, so to be challenged in yet another arena is just draining for me. I don't have the energy or desire for more difficulty. In fact, what I am really after is a break from the hard stuff. I know life is hard and the path is hard, but I don't agree that it always meant to be that way. If you are always expecting life and the path to be hard, are you not then going to create that? Why can't the work you put in create the opposite?

Back to the training... For me day 4 or 5, I can't remember, was great, with groups of 10 and drills to work on in the morning and the afternoon sessions focusing on hands on adjustments. It was a relief to change things and it felt good to actually learn and practice at the same time. It made a big difference to work in that way for me because everyone was more relaxed and receptive. The energy was totally different and that made a big difference to me. It was like finally... I am learning something and doing something.

You see, I am someone who happens to be unusually sensitive to the energy of others and filtering that energy is something I am still learning to do well. I have come a long way but need to strengthen my boundaries and improve my ability to deal with these things. After this experience, I do see where I can and need to improve as a teacher and student. That is good. However, I do not want to discount what I am doing well and that whatever it is I am doing in my teaching is working.

I regularly get positive feedback from my students, and I feel good about what I have to offer as a teacher. That being said, I know there is a ton of room for improvement.

I feel like I am in such a strange place following this training. I am trying to figure out what of this experience is mine and what of it is what it is. It makes me wonder if life is leading me another way. I don't know. I have a lot of questions. Do I want to continue on to do TT3 or not? Why do I want to be certified? What is it that I want to do with my certification? Do I want that piece of paper for the credibility and confidence it gives? Is this the direction I want to go? I have always had ups and downs with the process of certification because every year it gets harder and the requirements change.

I don't ask for much and maybe I should. I sort of feel that if I am going to get through the certification process, I will have to do it on my own and just hope for the best. I am inclined to think that is just the way it is. It seems all my teachers are too busy and overwhelmed with travel and work to be available. I do understand the need to nurture oneself and think that is important. I understand that the energy this work requires means each person must give themselves extreme care if they are to be of service in the way they are.

This conversation could go on and on, and probably will, but for now I will end this here. If anyone out there has some sage advice to share, please do so.

For now, I feel the need to step back from all of this, go in and sit with things. Maybe teaching my class tomorrow morning will set me right. I hope that is the case because this week of teaching has not been easy or fluid. I guess we will see what happens...

Confused but Hopeful,
Marcia

Before I was a Mom~

2010-09-29T08:45:00.000-07:00

On mornings like this when I wake to a sick, crying boy, a grumpy husband, a sore throat, a tired body, a head that hurts, a mind that is blank and a heart and spirit that feels heavy and blue, I try to remind myself that it's just today and that things will get better. Of course, sometimes feeling better is easier said than done. Right now, I am slow and just trying to get myself motivated to do the things that I need to do in the hopes that I will feel better sooner than tomorrow.

Anyway, in this strange state I am in, I was on line and came across this sweet story written by a mom. Who the mom is that wrote this story is a mystery. Reading it, though, touched me simply because it's so honest, relatable and real. So I am posting this story for all those moms and dads out there that need to know that even in the midst of the difficult moments when we are feeling tired and overwhelmed that we are not alone. Also, it is a great reminder to remember how important and special this parenting life is. It is important to remember how big and amazing this love for your child is because I think the love helps you make it through the day. And, yes, some days are rough, and I wonder how I will make it through. Then, my son hugs me and loves me a in such a way that it softens me right down to the middle of my heart and I breathe again. So here I am reminding myself to breathe and to just be with tired I feel. I am sitting here reminding myself of the beauty of the bond I share with this little human being sitting next to me and that makes me smile.

**********************************************************************************
So here is the story:

BEFORE I WAS A MOM:

Author Unknown

Before I was a Mom
I made and ate hot meals.
I had unstained clothing.
I had quiet conversations on the phone.

Before I was a Mom,
I slept as late as I wanted
And never worried about how late I got into bed.
I brushed my hair and my teeth everyday.

Before I was Mom
I cleaned my house each day.
I never tripped over toys or forgot words of lullabies.

Before I was a Mom
I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom
I had never been puked on
Pooped on
Spit on
Chewed on
Peed on
Or pinched by tiny fingers

Before I was a Mom
I had complete control of:
My thoughts
My body
And my mind.
I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom
I never held down a screaming child
So that doctors could do tests
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom
I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put it down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces
When I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small
Could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom
I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.
I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond between a Mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small
Could make me feel so important.

Before I was a Mom
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay
I had never known the warmth
The joy
The love
The heartache
The wonder
Or the satisfaction of being a Mom.

I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much before I was a Mom.

*************************************************************************

Blessings of Love, Peace, and Good Health,

Marcia

Been a while...

2010-09-25T08:51:00.000-07:00

Wow, I cannot believe how the days pass by. All is well here. My family is doing well and I am doing well. My classes and teaching are going well and have been keeping busy. I have even subbed a bit the past couple weeks. In fact, I feel tired from all the business.

Liam's birthday is in less than a week, and I think he is excited about his special day. He has asked for a tortoise for his birthday, so I have been researching tortoises to figure out which one would be best for us as a family. There are several species of tortoises and they can vary quite a bit in size. . Tortoises have long lives and can grow to be quite large. For example, the Sulcatas, African Tortoise, can grow to weigh up to 120 pounds and can live to be 100 years or more! Amazing. After researching things, I think the best, most suitable tortoise for us would be the Herman tortoise. We want to get a baby so Liam can watch it grow. I am really excited about this myself. I can hardly wait to see his joy as he receives this sweet birthday surprise.

It's funny because when we were at his cardiologist visit he was telling his doctor that he was getting a tortoise for his birthday. So I've got to make this happen. Besides, it's gonna be great to give him this gift!

Speaking of Liam's cardiologist visit, he had a great check up. His heart looks great and there is no need for precautions or further surgical procedures at this time. In fact, we got the okay from the doctor for Liam to play soccer. Hooray! I am just grateful he is doing so well. I hope this trend continues throughout his whole life.

Okay, so there isn't much else to tell. Let's see, I am attending the second teacher training next week and am looking forward to that. I think it will be good for me and will help me to refine and improve my teaching. All in all, I have been feeling pretty good about things. My classes are going well, and I feel fortunate that my classes are consistently well attended. In some ways, I feel that I have had a shift of some sorts and have taken a step forward and up in my teaching. I think that I have grown a lot here in Tucson with the help of my students and teachers. Of course, there is endless learning and growing to do as far as this all goes. It's a good thing I've got my whole life to learn and will get better as I go. I love that there is always more to learn.

Off I go to enjoy the day and to go visit some tortoises. Maybe tonight I won't dream about buying tortoises because I will actually have one... I will be sure to post a picture of Liam and our newest family member.

Steady and Slow wins the race...

Have a mellow day,
Marcia

Nostalgic

2010-09-08T14:03:00.000-07:00

I bought the Real Simple Family magazine issue last night and there is this great section on moments or things to remember about your children when they are young. I was sitting on the couch looking at the photographs and reading the shared moments, and I started to feel a little sad. I think it's because I know how fleeting this time is. This time when my son is young and running around the house in just his underwear. I look over at him stretched out on the couch and can't help but be amazed at how much he has grown and so fast. He still likes to sit and cuddle with me, and we have moments that are just mine and his alone.

I try to be with each moment so that I will always remember this time, but the truth is no matter how hard I stare at or breathe in the moment, it will not hold this time still. It's such a strange and beautiful thing to bring another human being into the world and to watch them grow. Parenting is no easy thing but it is amazing how it shifts you and makes you look at life so differently.

And today I am feeling that ache in my heart, that longing for another little person to join our family. It's funny how the want hits at the strangest time. All is well and then I feel it. I know the time will come when we will welcome another little being into our life and it will be wonderful and challenging all at the same time. However, I still feel the desire and the sadness from time to time. I suppose the good thing about the longing I feel is that at least know what it is I want.

For now and always, I have my sweet Liam to love and hold and watch with eyes wide open. I take in each moment and try to store them in some place within me so that I too can remember the beauty of this time we have together now. And when I feel like things are moving to fast, I remind myself to breathe.

Inhale,
Marcia

Two Weeks Later...

2010-09-07T09:58:00.000-07:00

It's been two weeks since my last post. All is well here in the desert. The temperature is slowly dropping and the air is cooler in the morning, which is a relief. We haven't had much rain out at our house and wish more rain would come. Hopefully Mother Nature will send more of the wet stuff our way.

Life is back to normal. It seems we are in a rhythm with work and all. Liam is doing great. His 4th birthday is less than a month away! This year is flying by and can hardly seem to keep up. The busyness will continue this month too with cycling camp season in full swing for Jason. He had a camp this past week and weekend and leaves for Montreal for most of this week. Then begins the nearly- every-Sunday-morning sessions with the UMC group to help prepare folks for El Tour. Of course, this means things will be busy for me as well as I will have to spend more time home. I will just have to be creative with my time and take time away when I can.

My classes are doing well and have picked up. Teaching in general is going well, and I feel that a step up or forward has been made. It's like a shift has happened all by itself. I love it when diligence pays off, but, then again, it always does.

A week or so ago I shared this great little story about a Hopi man's description of his inner struggles in a couple of my classes that I would like to share here too. I got this little story out of one of my favorite books "Meditations from the Mat" by Rolf Gates and Katrina Kennison.

Here's the story:

"There are two dogs that live inside me. One of the dogs is mean and evil. The other dog is good. The mean dog fights the good dog all the time." Someone asked, "which dog usually wins?" Upon a moment of quite reflection, the Hopi man replied, "the one I feed the most."

Every time I read this story I am moved. It's like a volt of electricity, like a shock of the truth, runs through me and all the little hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

This story is a great reminder to be aware of how we love and care for ourselves. It's good to take a step back and look at the fight from the outside and observe which dog you're feeding? What are you encouraging on the inside? In what way are you learning to love you and the good dog more by letting the bad dog win. Sometimes experiencing the negative helps us to understand and appreciate the positive, so it's all part of the learning experience.

It seems I am in that place of learning to love and embrace every aspect of myself as I am and not as I think I should be. It's amazing how that sort of thing can change things for the better in your life. Besides, I've been feeding the mean dog for far too long. I think it's the good dog's turn win.

So...

Think kind.
Speak kind.
Be kind.

Love,
Marcia

Back At It~

2010-08-25T10:13:00.001-07:00

I am finally through the hard part of the last few weeks. Really the hardest part was all the waiting I feel like I've been doing during these past few weeks. Once I got the word that my body was taking care of the last of the pregnancy on it's own, meaning no more physical symptoms and more dissolution and re-absorption of what was left, I felt ready to get on with life. I have jumped right back into things.

In fact this past weekend is a perfect example of moving forward. This past weekend Jason, Liam and I went up to Mt. Lemmon and walked in the stream for two hours. We caught lots of tadpoles, a baby frog, a butterfly, some grasshoppers, and went on the hunt for a praying mantis, which we never found. I love how Liam helps me remember the art of exploration and wonder. It was so great to be among the trees and walking in the water exploring nature for the sweetest of treasures.

Sunday I got back to teaching my 8:30 class and it was great. I had 28 wonderful people join me for a sacred morning practice. All the students were so happy I was back and many shared with me that they had missed me. How sweet is that?! I feel fortunate, and I feel loved.

After class, I got home and started cleaning the house. Jason and Liam had started the process and boy did we get a lot of work done. It was great to get the house clean and organized and clear out the stagnant energy in the house that had been lingering for the last two weeks. It is amazing what a clean house can do to uplift my spirits and, in some ways, set things right.

I had this awesome realization during this past week about how mine and Jason's love has changed and grown over the years. I am lucky to have such a good guy, a good husband that truly cares about and loves me as I am. Jason and I have not had it easy over these past, nearly, 4 years. We have experienced a lot ups and downs together. The thing is that the difficult moments either bring you together or tear you apart. I think that when two people are really committed to each other and the life they have together, there is no problem that you cannot solve together.

I was washing the dishes and thinking how wonderful it is that I love Jason more now and in a deeper way than I ever have before. In some ways, I feel that these last two miscarriages have really helped to open my eyes and heart to what is right in front of me. It's easy to overlook the obvious if you are looking to far out. Sometimes all we need is a shift in perspective and to make an effort to appreciate what we already have.

So despite the disappointment I still feel, life is good. In many ways, I am quite surprised at how quickly I have bounced back this time around. My adaptability and resilience to life's surprises and abrupt changes shows me how much I have grown. I am grateful for my strength and faith and for the love I have all around me. I am fortunate in so many ways, and all I need to do is remember that.

Strong and Flexible Like Bamboo,

Marcia

In It But With It~

2010-08-19T22:55:00.000-07:00

It's been a weird and wild two weeks. The abrupt changes that have occurred over the past few weeks have been many. I am just trying to stay with things even as they continue to change. I have had moments of sadness and disappointment to be sure. Now, I am left with a lot of questions that there are no real answers for. This experience has been different on every level.

The good news is that it wasn't as physically painful as the first time but it has been more draining in other ways. It has been a longer process this time and nothing has gone as it was supposed to. I even took a prescribed medication to help encourage the miscarriage along and both times the medicine failed to work. No one, including myself, seems to know why. It seems my body is reabsorbing all signs of this pregnancy. It's almost as if the process has gone in reverse. It's oddly fascinating, strange, sad and baffling all at the same time.

However, I would say I am doing well for the most part. I feel like the last couple of weeks my life has been on hold in some ways and so am just ready to get on with things. I just want to get back to feeling good in my body, mind, and heart. I am getting there. It's been a bit up and down. I felt good on Tuesday, felt terrible Wednesday due to the medication and today was okay. I practiced today and that felt good and helped me make it through teaching today. At least today was better than yesterday and that is good. I am hoping tomorrow is even better.

Even though I can't seem to totally rest, and am just coming out of this experience, I am surprised at how well I am doing with all of it. It's amazing what awareness and a desire to be with life and each moment that comes and goes can do for you. Awareness and Desire and Connection are so grounding. It is as if all three are this place you can hold to when things spin out of control so to speak. It's like sitting in the center of yourself, holding onto this pole of light, like this line that runs through the center of you, and you look out and watch the world whirl by. And even as you watch this movement all around you, you are taking in all the energy of the moment. You still feel everything but it's different. It's hard to put into words. For me, this feeling of being grounded and connected and alive all the while is really quite comforting. My mind wants to disagree with me on that. In fact, my mind like to disagree with me a lot, but that's another story.

It is getting late and should get myself to bed so that I can begin again tomorrow.

I'll close with this: "Each morning we are born again. What we do today is what matters most." (Buddha)

Pause, Breathe, Feel,

Marcia

An Invitation to live life fully~

2010-08-11T09:04:00.000-07:00

Life is not a straight road to some final place. Life is full of twists and turns and unexpected moments. And everyday we are invited to live life to the fullest. We are invited to embrace each day and all it brings with both arms. And even when it is difficult to show up and face the world, we find the courage and strength in our own hearts to do so.

I don't think that I would be where I am today without my practice to support me in times when I need it most. I am not just talking about running through the poses. I am talking about the way in which we choose to live our life moment to moment, breath by breath. And sometimes, when the heart is heavy and the mind is cluttered, taking a deep breath can be difficult. But breathing in each moment, which is a practice, is the best thing we can do for ourselves.

Bare and vulnerable is not such a bad place to be. In fact, it is the real place to be.

Respond to the invitation to Live. Even if it is difficult today, tomorrow will be better.

This poem bears repeating...

The Invitation

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain!I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!”

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

What to make of all this?

2010-08-11T00:00:00.000-07:00

It's late and I should be in bed asleep. I have been trying to get comfortable and just slumber peacefully off to sleep, but it's not happening. I hate it when I feel exhausted on every level, yet I cannot sleep or rest despite my desire to. I suppose I have too much on my mind and heart. My body feels weird and heavy, tight and empty. I feel numb at some times and sad and disappointed at others. While listening to a song that makes me happy and uplifts my spirits I feel happy. This is quite a ride I am on. For the moment, I am in it and doing my best to stay and be with whatever comes.

I know this sounds like vague rambling since I have made no mention as to why I am feeling so many ways at once, and, well it is. Let me explain...

I was 8 weeks pregnant and have just had another miscarriage. I have had two miscarriages in 5 months. To say the least, I feel seriously disappointed and sad at moments. The good news is I don't feel consumed by the rising and falling of my emotions. Meaning, I am not a crying mess. I have moments when my eyes well up and I do cry, but it is not overwhelming and is more of a relief. Maybe it is all because it is so recent. Really, I think I am still just trying to come to terms with it all.

At least this miscarriage wasn't as physically painful as the first one. Where I am at now, though, is very much the same. I am in that strange, in-between place. It is hard to explain what I mean by 'in-between place', so I am not even going to try. Besides, there isn't much I can do about it. I really feel that rushing past this will do me no good. I just need to be where I am and let this experience and the emotions that come with it run their course. All I can do is trust my instincts and feel my way forward one moment at a time.

I find it interesting, though, how physically heavy and dulling sadness and disappointment are. I feel a heaviness in my body. My muscles feel tight, which may be my resistance to the loss, by bones feel dense, food tastes weird, my head hurts, and I have sick unsettled feeling in my belly.

And my mind is something else. There is this part of my mind that immediately questions what went wrong. Then I start to question whether there is something wrong with me. Is this not meant to be? You see how out of control the thinking can get. My mind can go wild and just swirl with the thoughts until it makes me dizzy. Then, there is this other part or side of me that knows deep down that everything is okay. Meaning, there is nothing wrong with me physically. This loss has nothing to do with me not doing enough to care for myself and this baby. This loss is not in my hands.

I don't have an answer as to why this pregnancy came to an end so early. I wish I knew the reason for this loss, but I don't. I keep wondering: What is the lesson in all this for me? Why am I having this experience? I haven't figured this out yet, obviously. In time, these things will come clear or they won't.

So what next? Healing is what's next. Nurturing and kindness and compassion towards myself. Maybe that's it. Maybe this is all about me learning to love and mother myself first, then, the baby will come. I have to have faith in the process and trust this will all work out as it is meant to. I do what I can and let go of the rest.

Off to bed to sleep, I hope.

Hopeful and Heavy,

Marcia

Respond in the Highest~

2010-07-28T16:39:00.000-07:00

I just read John Friend's response to the NYT article, and I feel a deep sense of appreciation. I feel so incredibly grateful to be on this path, to be learning, growing, teaching, giving and receiving, and thriving in this yoga life.

If I am honest, which I am, I have definitely had moments of doubt on my way down this road. The doubt has presented itself mostly toward myself and my ability as a teacher and never with the art of the practice or with Anusara itself. Anyway, after reading JF's response, I felt compelled to leave a note of thanks. Really, I am struck by how moved I felt after reading the response by John. It makes it clear to me how much this all means to me and how much I love teaching, the practice, the people. I feel so fortunate.

If you have not read the John's blog, here is the link:

http://www.anusara.com/index.php?option=com_wpmu&blog_id=2&Itemid=250

Read and enjoy.

Here is the comment that I felt moved to leave:

Dear John,

I offer my heartfelt thanks to you for all you are and all you do. I was introduced to Anusara in 2001 and have been on this path since. I know from my own experience what a profound impact you and all of my wonderful teachers have had on my life. The best part is that it keeps getting better.

I have been teaching for 6 years and everyday grants me the opportunity to share the joy of this practice with others. I see people walk out of my class different. The students can walk in riddled with fear and worry, with heaviness in their hearts, with a dullness in their eyes and they wake up from Savasana and walk out the exact opposite. It is such a magnificent and mysterious shift to witness and be a part of. I always feel so happy and honored to do what do, to teach.

Of course, I feel immensely grateful to all of my teachers who have shown me the way. I give thanks for the reminder and for the freedom to choose to follow my own heart not just on my mat, or seated at the front of the class, but everyday.

Truly, I am so moved by You, the method, and the message of Anusara that it brings me to tears as I write. Well, I guess I know how much it means to me. And for that overflowing feeling inside, I give thanks.

Many Blessings to You and the Merry Band,

Marcia Tullous

(Tucson, AZ)

For Now~

2010-07-23T09:49:00.000-07:00

Saying Yes to the Idea of Yes~

For now, I say, "Yes" to my life, to this method and it's meaning. For now, I say, "Yes" to what is true for me. For now, I say, "Yes" to speaking from my heart and holding to the truth. For now, I say, "Yes" to continuing to do what I can to help others find joy and meaning and light in their own life when they need it most. For now, I will continue to offer to others what Anusara has offered to me, and I give thanks for finding my way to this magical practice and path called Anusara.

Anusaran,

Marcia

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

2010-07-22T10:29:00.000-07:00

I have been hearing this David Bowie song in my head all morning. Here is a small portion of the lyrics:

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes
(turn and face the strain)
ch-ch-changes
Just gonna have to be a different woman/man
Time may change me
But I can't trace time

I watch the ripples change their size
But never leave the stream
Of warm impermanence
So the days float through my eyes
But still the days seem the same

So I was out walking this morning and this song kept playing in my head. On my walk I was deep in thought and deep in my heart trying to get in touch with and understand this strange place that I seem to be in. I certainly feel immense changes happening on the inside. It is almost as if certain things are coming up for me to deal with so that I can fully heal. It is as if I have some old wounds to tend to. Funny how that is, you think you have dealt fully with what hurts and holds you back and you find it is still there waiting for you to heal it, to change it or release it.

Here is the short and long of it. I will try to explain this in a most anonymous sort of way so that the story itself is not the point but what emotions and thoughts this little happening brought about within me because it is fascinating.

Here it goes: I came across a post of an old love, an old friend and in the post was a list of people this person would like to bring together for a grand gathering of fun and remembrance. In the list following the names was some comment of each persons artistic ability or the thing loved by the person who made the post.

This is where it gets interesting because, as I read the list, the first thing that came to my mind was this thought: Yet again, I am missing. In other words, I felt hurt because I was not on this list of honorable mentions. Why does this matter because I don't know for sure that I don't matter to this person, I just am assuming I don't. In fact, this should make no difference in the way I feel about myself, but it did and it does.

After reading this post, I started feeling bad. I was like hold on! What is this about?! Thankfully, I was able to sit with this awkward, sad feeling of lack and pause. I was able to step back and ask myself whether I wanted to be caught up in this old feeling of not feeling good enough, of not feeling loved in equal measure or loved at all by this person. This is an old wound. This is the old way of thinking and feeling, and this is not serving me. So before I went to sleep, I made the conscious decision to change my mind and shift my energy from sad and mad to soft and receptive to the lesson by picking up a book about gratitude and reading until I felt better.

I slept well but was up early, too early. However, I was able to sneak in a walk and some alone time before Jason left for work this morning, which was what I needed. As I walked block after block and meandered through the desert this morning, I started to get some clarity on all this that was on my mind. I realized that this former time in my life and this past relationship was so incredibly damaging to my self-esteem. I so wanted this person to love me the way I loved them, but it never was that way and it never will be. I always felt like he never saw me. I was just good enough in a time of need. The sooner I get honest about that and let go of this toxic thought, the sooner I will be free of it.

Just because I am not on some one's list of specials does not mean that I don't matter. I need to know that I matter deep inside and remember it so that I don't make myself feel otherwise. The more energy I give to such thoughts, the more I believe they are 'real', the more I make it so in my own heart, in my own life. And what it comes down to is that I am not interested in feeling this way about me anymore. It's old, it's done, it's too heavy, and I just don't want these limiting thoughts and feelings anymore.

It is true that time changes everyone and everything. I think the changes are for or can be for the better if we decide to make it so.

I will end with this great quote by my friend and teacher:

"Fight tenacious tendencies! Align with your heroic heart!" ~ Darren Rhodes‎

These words came right on time. I am aligned with my heroic heart!

Ever Evolving~

Marcia

Heat, Humidity, Heart~

2010-07-21T09:00:00.000-07:00

I feel like it has been a while since I've written. All is going well in most ways despite the irritation I feel with the heat. I think the heat has been a little too much for me. Our AC went out and with the added humidity in the air, the swamp cooler isn't doing much to cool things down. I have had a difficult time cooling down and have discovered that the heat or feeling constantly hot is pretty aggravating and it makes me oddly emotional. It is all very curious. Thankfully, my folks live just up the street, so we have been spending most of our days up there. I hope to have the air conditioner fixed by this weekend and will look forward to that.

On a positive note, I had a private session yesterday that was a really fantastic experience for me and for the client I worked with. I find private sessions are a wonderful opportunity to learn and to hone my intuitive skills as a teacher. It seems to me that when I am given the opportunity to work one-on-one, I tap into my innate ability to help heal. During the session, I marveled at the way things unfolded and evolved.

You go in to it not knowing exactly what you will work on, sometimes you do but not always, and you go with it and trust your intuition and inner wisdom and it all works out so perfectly. Anyway, we ended up working on shoulders because that is the way the session naturally unfolded, and it felt to me that's what was needed. It was a huge opening experience for this individual. She was brought to tears by this new feeling and opening in her body and heart and by this new clarity in her mind. It was almost as if she felt a deep sense of relief. It made me so happy to be able to help and to know that I could help.

After the session concluded, I left feeling so honored and grateful to have been part of the experience. What kept running through my mind was how much I love what I do and how it just gets better as I go along. I am constantly amazed at the way the role of the teacher really is always about being the student. I may be offering what I know and what I've learned, but I always learn something new from the people I share these things with. Amazing!

So this morning I am again filled with gratitude for this aspect of my life, for the opportunity to be both the student and the teacher, for this path that found me and for the desire to continue on. Who knows where it will continue to lead me, but I will follow as long as I enjoy doing so.

Now, to enjoy another aspect of my life... my son.

Enjoy the day,

Marcia

Progress~

2010-07-14T22:51:00.000-07:00

Not long ago, I had my basics class recorded. Yes, I have a dvd of me teaching an hour-and-a-half Basics class. And, yes, I have watched it. This is progress. Hooray for a step forward toward what I want. :-)

Okay, so the first time I watched the dvd it was just weird. In fact, I had a little conversation with myself before I watched the recording about how I was going to try to just see it as the observer. I wanted to try to view the class from a more objective place so that I could watch the dvd with kinder eyes. I think that little talk with myself helped. That being said, it was still a bit awkward.

How this all came about was: 1) through an offer from a Kula member to record it for me, and 2) I simply came to the conclusion that it was time to start getting myself ready to actually approach the certification process. This exercise of recording myself teaching a public class is an exercise in getting comfortable with being myself while teaching with the camera on. I want to be able to just teach as I teach without worrying who is going to view it.

The point of all this is that I have found that what I thought would be an incredibly uncomfortable experience has turned out to be quite a valuable learning opportunity. Not only do I get to see me as the "teacher"versus just saying I teach, but I also get to see what my strengths and weaknesses are by seeing the class as it is.

Really, it's the best opportunity to see yourself as you are not as you think you are. For me it feels like seeing myself teach makes this part of my life all the more real. It's almost like I have this new vision of myself to work with even though I have been working with this for a while now. It just changes things a bit and feels sort of new.

WOW! I think I like it! I am surprised because I don't really even like to have my picture taken because I think the pictures are usually pretty bad. I suppose another benefit of the video is that this may just help me to be less critical of myself and more loving. Fancy that!

So another plus in this video adventure is that I have found a friend, someone with whom I can share this with. A friend and fellow teacher in this Tucson Kula has recently recorded a class too. We swapped videos and watched each other in action! After watching my colleague's video, I got inspired to watch mine again and was glad I did. It was definitely easier to watch the second time around. I was able to view it the second time from a softer more supportive place, which was hard for me to do the first time. I found that slight shift really intriguing. ;)

In short, I am really glad my friend was willing to share her video with me and am so glad we are helping each other along. I would say that this is a great start to the Anusara-certification process for which I am not fully ready for yet. But let it be known, I am making my way there!

Conclusion: I highly recommend recording yourself teaching and watching it!

Okay, so that's all for now. I am feeling hopeful and encouraged, which is always good.

Until next time,

Marcia

At Ease~

2010-07-07T22:20:00.000-07:00

Life is full of surprises. You never know what each new day will bring.
All we can do is open our hearts and minds to what comes with the faith that it is all for the best.

And on days when I feel unclear or uncertain, I remind myself that the Universe is conspiring in my favor. Knowing that the world is for me and not against me always puts my mind at ease.

Peace,
Marcia

The Starfish Story~

2010-06-30T17:42:00.000-07:00

The Starfish Story

Original Story by: Loren Eisley

One day a man was walking along the beach when he noticed

a boy picking something up and gently throwing it into the ocean.

Approaching the boy, he asked, “What are you doing?”

The youth replied, “Throwing starfish back into the ocean. The surf is up and the tide is going out. If I don’t throw them back, they’ll die.”

“Son,” the man said, “don’t you realize there are miles and miles of beach and hundreds of starfish? You can’t make a difference!”

After listening politely, the boy bent down, picked up another starfish,

and threw it back into the surf. Then, smiling at the man, he said…”

I made a difference for that one.”

****************************************************

My sister shared this story with me last night. I loved it. I hope the rest of you do too.

Do What You Can,

Marcia

A Beginner At Heart~

2010-06-29T16:00:00.000-07:00

In my perusing of the web for inspiration for life and classes and such, I came across this piece by Denise Benitez, a long-time teacher and Co-Chair of the Anusara Certification committee. I think it is beautifully written and is obviously written from a place of deep knowledge and experience.

After reading this, I am reminded why I always feel like a beginner. The path and practice is vast and deep, profound and sweet, magical and mysterious in more ways than I can comprehend. I follow the flow of the river and continue to get to know myself and learn to embrace the beauty of this world on a daily basis.

I am only scratching the surface. I love that. I love that there is more for me to learn and understand and incorporate. Life and Yoga are both Great Adventures. You never know what is waiting for you on your mat or what treasures you will discover in the sweet space of your heart. Explore and Enjoy it all!

**********************************************

The Fruits of Practice

by Denise Benitez

The amazing process of learning anything is a testament to the capacity of the human mind to evolve and grow in the course

of a lifetime. You can go from a tricycle to Lance Armstrong; you can go from not comprehending the dots on a page of

music to playing sonatas; you can be in complete confusion listening to a foreign language, and a few years later, be

dreaming in that language.

Most people who come to their first yoga class have a learning curve, which is to be expected. The forms, shapes, and

words are unfamiliar. Yet, within a remarkably short period of time, and with guidance, yoga students become used to the

subculture of yoga: the place to put your shoes, how to take your seat, the chanting of Om or an Invocation, the general flow of the

class, and of course, the first Sanskrit word most students learn, Savasana.

Then, is that the extent of the learning? From my experience, not even close. Learning the basics of a yoga class routine, becoming

familiar with the key standing poses, understanding how to move into a pose; while this is all invaluable knowledge during your first

few years of yoga, it is like learning the basic alphabet of a language. You have learned enough to think you know yoga, but you

haven’t yet learned enough to know how much you don’t know.

I have experienced this over and over again in my yoga teaching and learning life. I’ll reach a pinnacle of knowledge about

something, say; how to do backbends, and think I have it figured out, and then I realize that there is a whole philosophical and

emotional field to explore relating to the human heart, the expansion of the heart realm, and I’m back to the beginning...knowing

more than I knew before, but awed (and excited!) by the vastness of what I don’t know.

Because the field of yoga is so enormous (physical poses, anatomy, breathing practice, meditation, philosophy, lineages, etc. etc.

etc.), we necessarily dive into certain streams of interest for a while, learn deeply there, and then come up for a breather, with another

diamond of interest to turn toward. I am in awe and deeply honor the traditions and explorations that came before me; I also am

informed by the rapid pace of innovation and creativity that Western yoga practitioners are adding to the stream of the practice.

And yet I speak here from the stance of a life-long yoga practitioner and long-time teacher. For those who come to a yoga class

once a week, and have other interests and busy lives, how do they learn about yoga’s depth and meaning?

I believe that even someone who comes to only one class a week can learn and benefit from yoga’s profundity. The key is

constancy; in The Yoga Sutras, Patanjali gives us the five qualities that must be cultivated in order to maintain this constancy, even if

it is a commitment to a once a week practice: faith, energy, mindfulness, remembrance, and wisdom.

Faith: You don’t know why exactly, but you always feel better after yoga practice. Next time you think about not practicing, you

remember to remember that yoga affects us in mysterious ways, and you make a decision to trust the practice, to have faith in the

many practitioners who have illuminated this practice, and to get on the mat or meditation cushion.

Energy: Some commentators on The Yoga Sutras use the phrase “heroic energy” here, and that is what it feels like sometimes; the

kind of emotional and spiritual energy that comes from deep inside, and is not so much about dominating and pushing through, but

stepping into the stream again and again, turning your life force toward what is optimal and harmonizing.

Mindfulness: This can be thought of as getting to know yourself better and better, so that you are not in the thoughts that limit

your capacities, but watching them. You can then see the right action in any moment, the accurate micro-adjustment in a pose, the

true way to arrange your energy field in class, the perfect breath to take.

Remembrance: It’s easy to stay small in our vision, and in our sense of our potential and worthiness. Remembrance brings us to

practice, because it is joyful to step into practice when it means coming home again and again to our own beauty and dignity.

Wisdom: True wisdom happens over time and is something that is deeply felt, rather than just an intellectual theory; you see the

results of devotion to practice, to evolution, to meaning, to the ritual of your practices. As wisdom expands, you recognize it more

quickly and closely over time, which strengthens your sense of trust and faith.

There is a way to be in the flow of life and a way to try to stop the river. Practice is about trusting the flow of the river, using its

energy to support you, being aware of the power of that energy and its magnificence, seeing that you are that river and that

magnificence, and dedicating yourself to its freedom. Then, even once a week practice can contribute to a life that is beyond the

commonplace.

As Paul Muller-Ortega said in a recent talk, “Our strength, wealth, support derives from our practice. When times of challenge

come, we have that to fall back on.”

The World Is Conspiring In Your Favor~

2010-06-25T09:46:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here this morning slowly waking up and hanging out with my boy. I have been browsing the web, reading some blogs, simply enjoying what other people desire to offer or share about their life through writing. I feel inspired and appreciative about my own life and what I have been blessed with so far.

I was reading about Jenna's journey and the creation of her little yoga studio, JalaBlu. It got me thinking about my own little studio, Luminous Lotus, and how that all came to be. It is an amazing thing to have that flash of insight turn into a vision, a dream that you make real in the world. It is a single spark that sets things on fire and makes your heart beat faster with the joy of knowing what is next.

I will say that I have been blessed with really good intuition that I have learned to trust and follow. I think the beauty of inner knowing is that you always get lead to the most amazing things, places, people. The point of all this is that in those fleeting moments of clarity it is easy to miss the message if you are not paying full attention. So... Pay Attention! Be Aware because it matters.

My flash of insight to open a yoga studio came with an image of a mural on a wall of Lakshmi. I saw the studio. After that vision of Lakshmi in a painting on a studio wall came to me, I had this wave of creative energy wash over me. Creating that studio, coming up with the name, the logo, the class descriptions and such was all I thought of. I recall all these ideas and the making of it all being easy even though it required a fair amount of my time and energy. Then, the most miraculous part was how the seed money came. I / We, Jason and I, did not have the money to open a studio but a great loan was offered to us from an unlikely and unsolicited source. It makes me think of that quote, "The world is conspiring in your favor." I love this idea. In fact, those words and this idea that the world is for us and not against us makes me smile.

So anyway, when I think about this phase of my life when I was so full and pregnant with possibility, both figuratively and literally, I am amazed and grateful. In thinking about this time in my life, I am reminded that we all have the power to make positive things happen all the time. Even when our life takes a turn and points us in a different direction then we think we should be going, have faith in the process. Hold on to this idea that the world is working in your favor.

I know from experience that even when it seems like you are going the wrong way or have strayed off the path, life is actually leading you the right way. Sometimes, though, it is hard to see what we need and hard to believe we are where we need to be. I think the moments when it feels wrong or uncomfortable may have a something to do with our own resistance to what is and needs to be right now.

A perfect example of what I am talking about is my move from Colorado Springs, Colorado, to Tucson, Arizona. Our move to the desert meant I had to let go of the studio. I wasn't ready to leave or let go. I was just starting to feel settled. I was resistant with a capital R. At the time, all I could think of was what I was loosing and in no way could see or fathom what I would gain.

I am in one of the most amazing Anusara Kulas in the world! Nearly 3 years of living here has allowed me the time I need to appreciate what I have gained. I am amongst some amazing teachers and am becoming an amazing teacher myself. You know that saying about when you ride with the best, practice with the best or teach with the best, you rise to that level. Not only do I believe this to be true, I know it to be true.

What a lovely and extraordinary realization to have on such an ordinary Friday morning.

Have a great day and if it is not so far, make it so!

Ask, Believe, Receive,

Marcia

Luminous Lotus ~

http://www.luminouslotusyoga.com/article_index.php?articlePath=22_28&osCsid=ftofs3a2cm6sd2ui7utr6r8sk1

Pictures from Italy ~

2010-06-19T22:13:00.000-07:00

Here are some pictures from our trip to Italy. Enjoy!

Pictures from Italy

2010-06-19T21:42:00.000-07:00

A few more ~

Things Change

2010-06-18T10:12:00.000-07:00

Where to begin? Well, my family and I were going to spend the weekend in Flagstaff but our plans have changed. Jason was going to do a mountain bike race called the Barn Burner but a fire broke out near the event site and the smoke is too much so it was canceled. We could still go up North to see our friends, but Jason still has some obligations to a couple of his athletes who have decided to come down to Tucson. We have a couple other reasons for our decision but that doesn't really matter.

Admittedly, I am little bummed about not going as I was looking forward to getting out of town for a break from the heat and a visit with some friends. I suppose an actual trip to visit with friends in Flag is in order.

There is talk about us still going camping for a night but nothing is in motion as of yet. So for now it looks like there will be a fair amount of time spent in the pool this weekend. I am still taking Sunday off from teaching to spend with my boys on Father's Day and am looking forward to it.

The heat has been rising and has been hard to adjust to. I am feeling the effects of the high temperatures because I have been feeling very tired and have had a headache everyday. The headaches don't really seem to go away so am working to resolve that. Maybe I am dehydrated. Maybe I'm stressed. Maybe my diet needs a change. Maybe I am holding back or holding to tight to some thing I need to let go of. Who knows? I bet it's a combinations of things rather than just one thing.

Come to think of it, I have noticed a lot of tension in my jaw lately. In fact, while I was practicing the other day, I noticed that every time I would lower to four-limbed staff pose (chaturanga dandasana) I would clench my jaw. Clearly, there is a misalignment and am working with this in my practice.

I know this sort of a practice doesn't sound as exciting as if I said I was working on Scorpion, but I find it rather intriguing. The best part about this little realization is that I noticed I am tensing my jaw and jutting my chin forward all the time! Also, I often find that my tongue is pressing up against the roof of my mouth, and I have to continually remind myself to relax that area and move my neck and head back in line over my spine. I see some studying and practicing of skull loop in my future until I get it. ;)

I am sure it doesn't help to have so much on my mind as this only increases the pressure in and on my head. However, I seem to be in this place of looking over my life. It's like I am reviewing things so I know where I'm going and what it is I want because things have changed over the years. In some ways, I feel like I am breaking with my past and letting go of this idea of who I thought I was in order to allow myself to be who I am.

For some time now, I have been asking myself why I never hear from certain friends even though I try to keep in touch. I think it's time to stop asking what I'm doing wrong and trust that it is all right. I guess life simply takes each of us where we need to go and sometimes paths diverge, so we say so long and best wishes to those we part ways with. I feel a tinge of sadness in writing that, but I think I am beginning to understand this is just part of the process.

I am learning that I need to allow life to happen without me trying to figure it out all the time. Don't get me wrong, I think that some contemplation is good but too much is not, as my aching head will tell you.

Besides, I always find I end up where I need to be whether I know where I am headed or not. I suppose this is precisely how I found my way onto a mat. From there, the rest of the story continues to unfold. ;)

Best,
Marcia

Breathe in, Breathe out~

2010-06-10T22:26:00.000-07:00

It's late. I should be in bed but am feeling the need for some solitude. It took a long time to get Liam to sleep tonight, so I got out of his room around 9:45. I feel drained. I love to hang out with my monkey reading him books and cuddling, but I also need time for myself to just do whatever it is I fancy doing. Anyway, I am tired and want to sleep but don't feel ready to crawl into bed just yet.

I have a lot on my mind these days and it feels like I am in some sort of time warp. For example, I was out of town just over 2 weeks ago and it feels like much longer, like it has been years not weeks. I am not sure why that is or how that is, it just is. On my mind are thoughts about my family, the direction I am going in my life, teaching and practice and whatever else it is that will bring more joy and balance into my life. I have these moments where I am so clear on what I want and what I am focused on and then my clarity turns to confusion.

Some days I wake up feeling as though I have somehow lost my direction. I don't know if the miscarriage has anything to do with my feeling turned around or not but maybe it does. I don't know. At least when I was pregnant, I knew what to focus on and knew what was coming to a certain degree. Now, I am in this place of just practicing taking each moment as it comes. And believe me this is not something that comes naturally for me. Breathing in each moment and sitting with the sounds and sensations and contemplations is a practice for sure! Breathing through the challenging moments of raising a sensitive 3 year old when I am sensitive too takes constant vigilance on my part. And, frankly, some days I've got it and other days I don't.

Also on my mind and in my head is this notion that I should be further along in my practice or in teaching or in the certification process than I am. I may be further along than I think but my mind doesn't seem to want to go there. It's like there is some glue on my brain that these old, random beliefs or thoughts are stuck to, and I need to figure out a way to unglue myself. It's like sometimes I don't even see who I am. I feel me, I see me, I think I know me, but sometimes I don't really see the me that other's say they see.

I know that I am rambling and this may make no sense at all but, oftentimes, my meandering and writing of words shows me something I need to see. So I write to figure it out or to at least see a pattern. What is coming clear is that I need to change my view and thinking of myself. I need to shift my perspective on a few things. To add to that, I need to trust my intuition and inner guidance more fully. I think I get hung up on the world's idea of how things should be done when I don't feel inclined to run along those lines at all.

I know that life is vast and swift and moving and am aware that I must ride the waves as they rise and fall. Sometimes, though, I just want to float, to be still, to not think at all. Maybe that's just it. I think I have to do something to get to some place that I don't even know that it is I want to be except for this ache in my heart that is asking for more. The longing leads me on.

Maybe all I have to do for now is rest on my back, close my eyes, float, feel the rhythm and trust that I will be carried to where I need to be. And when the time arise for me to paddle, to move, to work, I will know. I will work. For now, I feel the need to sit with my eyes closed and breathe in and breathe out and simply allow for the discomfort to dissipate.

Breathe Deep,
Marcia

Finding Joy in the Everyday Things~

2010-06-07T20:34:00.000-07:00

"Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day." ~Author Unknown

It feels like it's been a while since my last post so this will be more about getting back in touch and sharing what I've been up to for the last couple of weeks, which isn't all that much. Lately, life has been full of the everyday stuff like: catching up on laundry, cleaning the house, getting back into our regular routine at work and home, and tending to all the other things that need tending to. So really the last couple of weeks have been about readjusting and realigning on all levels. My husband refers to this idea as getting back to ground zero.

Traveling abroad was both strange and wonderful. To me it felt sort of like I flew through some portal and ended up in some strange new land. Really, the return home sapped me energetically, so I felt pretty wiped out and a bit out of sorts by the time we made it back. The week following our return was busy so time to rest and get settled took more than I thought it would.

All in all, it still feels good to be home with my little monkey, Liam, and back in a familiar environment. My classes are going well, and I am feeling more rested. Unfortunately, though, I got pinkeye this last week which was a total surprise and something entirely new to me. I knew something was wrong with my eyes right away so went to have them checked. Thanks to my rapid response to my body's request for some love and rest along with some eye drops and tea the pink, gooey mess has nearly cleared up. ;)

Over the weekend, I had planned to attend Bruce's Therapeutics Alignment training but didn't end up going. I simply didn't feel right showing up while contagious and then showing up for only the last session. I was bummed to miss this training but know there will be other opportunities in the near future. I suppose a tired body has to make it's point somehow and pinkeye certainly got my attention.

Since the heat has kicked in, Liam, Jason and I have been spending time playing in my parent's pool. Playing in the water does make a hot day more bearable. It looks like Liam and I will again make our way up the hill to spend the day at my parent's house because our cooler stopped working last night and is need of some repair. Jason hopes to get the cooler up and running by this evening.

I guess that about sums things up. Right now, it's all about finding joy in the little things everyday, staying cool, and embracing each day fully.

Joy,

Marcia

Home

2010-05-28T08:25:00.000-07:00

Well, Jason and I made it home. We are happy to be back. It was a full 30 hours of traveling with maybe an hour of sleep. Jason and I arrived tired but survived the trek. It was so great to see Liam at the airport and have him run and jump into my arms. I sure did miss my little guy and discovered that 7 days was too long. Anyway, he gave me and Jason some really great hugs. ;)

Let me backtrack a little before moving forward...

Our last night in Italy was a good one. Jason and I went into central Bologna to explore the area a bit since we had heard this area is quite spectacular. It was spectacular and am glad we went to see it despite being tired.

Bologna is certainly a bustling place and the area we were in was full of grand, old buildings, lots and lots of shops and restaurants. I am sad to say that this was the most romantic part of our trip and the most time Jason and I spent alone the entire time we were in Italy. We walked around the city, had dinner, enjoyed some wine and then hoped back on the bus at 9 p.m. to go back to the hotel. Since we both wanted some dessert, we went to the Pizzeria next the hotel for some gellato and another glass of wine. It was a sweet ending to the evening.

Since my return home,though, I have not yet processed the experience. I will say that it was different than I thought it would be. At the moment, I think I am to tired to know what to think about it all. For now, I will just give myself time to get settled and let my feelings on the experience do the same.

I will be sure to upload the photos and some videos in the next few days for others to view.

Glad to be home,

Marcia

The Wall

2010-05-24T07:24:00.000-07:00

I hit the wall today, Monday, and am ready to go home. I am not sure if my feeling blue has to do with missing Liam, lack of sleep due to the busy night life just outside our window, a desire to just spend time alone with my husband or simply a need to be around less people in general.

Here's the thing I have discovered about myself, I am easily peopled out. Meaning, always being around people or doing group things makes me crazy in a very short amount of time. In fact, group stuff makes me anxious. I am someone that not only likes time alone but needs time alone. I have experienced very little of that and am at that point where I need to hide away a bit. So I think a little time alone on the beach and a practice by myself is in order and may be just the thing to help me regain my balance. We leave Riccione early tomorrow morning, so I need to make the most of my time in Riccione. We will spend most of Tuesday in Bologna. We hop on the plane to head home on Wednesday morning and am really looking forward to being home and to sleeping in my bed. I remember a woman once told me that even a wish to sit on the beach and do nothing all day would get old after while. I think she was right. Of course, I have not lounged on the beach really at all. I have walked on the beach, practiced on the beach and walked to the center of town everyday and think I have seen what there is to see. The center of town is lovely but the truth is I am not much of a shopper, and I have no shopping stamina whatsoever. Since, we, Colin, Elann, Jason and I, were all feeling the need to do something different, we took a drive along the coast toward the cliffs. It was a pretty drive with gorgeous, green trees shading the winding road. The rolling green hills of the countryside are picturesque for sure. Anyway, we all sat and had a drink outside and stared out at the sea. It was peaceful sitting there drinking tea, starring at the sea and listening to the birds sing. After a rough start to the day, I appreciated the slow quiet of the afternoon. I suppose I should scoot along outside to watch the sunset and enjoy being near the water for the last day. Marcia

Italy

2010-05-21T12:55:00.000-07:00

Well, we made it to Italy. It was a wicked day of travel with an hour and half drive to the airport, 9.5 hours on the plane, another 3 hours in the car, and 2 more hours on the plane before reaching Bologna to spend the night at the Sheraton hotel. Jason and I finally made it to Riccione the following day at around 2 in the afternoon. It was a full 24 hours of travel. As you can imagine, we are happy to be enjoying the beach town of Riccione. It was great to finally get to the hotel by the beach to relax. I still don't know what day and time it is. I haven't been able to use my cell phone and that has been interesting. It all feels so surreal. There is always plenty to eat and lots of wine to drink. Really, I don't know how the Italians do this sort of food and drink thing all the time. I suppose they are used to it all. Don't misunderstand, we are enjoying ourselves but keeping the eating and drinking thing in check. Today, I spent the day out exploring the town we are in and walked for 3 hours and practiced yoga for 45 minutes. My back is actually feeling a lot better and the practice today was gentle and exactly what I needed. I am so grateful the back pain is gone. I have talked to Liam, Mom and Dad on Skype and that is so awesome. Liam really likes seeing himself on the computer screen. It was pretty cute to see him making faces and great to see his beautiful little face. I sure do miss him but know this trip will be over before we know it so am just reminding myself to eat slowly, explore and enjoy the place I am in, and sleep as late as I can. I don't have anything else to share as of yet. Jason, Collin and his wife, Elann,and I will venture out into the countryside to some castles in the days to follow. On Sunday, Jason does the Nove Colli ride and am sure that will be a long day for him especially since he will have to be up at 3 in the morning. I will take pictures and try to capture some of what I am seeing and experiencing so that I can share this place in some way. I must say the people here are wonderful. Everyone is so warm and welcoming and kind. My Italian is terrible, but I am learning fast. It is great fun to travel, and I think I had forgotten that. I really want to share this sort of thing with Liam too, though. I want him to have a wider view of the world. It is good to step outside of what I know so that I too can expand my thinking and my world beyond the boundries of what I know. I am sure by the time we have to leave I will finally have wrapped my head around the fact that I am here in Italy.

For now, it still feels like a dream. Off I go to enjoy the rolling waves and sparkling sun. Ciao, Marcia

The last week~

2010-05-13T08:44:00.001-07:00

This morning I am sitting with the doors open taking in the fresh air. The sun's light is filling the house and the scent of lilies is wafting about. I love mornings like this when I can just sit with Liam and just listen to the birds sing their joy to the world.

I am feeling better since my last entry. I feel like things are a little easier and communication is clearer since Mercury has gone direct. Surprisingly, I have really felt the effects of Mercury Retrograde this go around. I suppose that may be because this backwards flow of Mercury has been in the communication realm of my sign, Pisces. I am happy Mercury is moving forward again and that my life seems to be doing the same.

Jason and I had a couple of days on our own since Liam went to spend the night with Jason's parents (a.k.a. Grandmum and Granddad). Liam spent the night with them and his cousin Jenna Friday night and Saturday night. His being away gave Jason and I chance to get some much needed rest and some time together. We even attended the birthday party practice for Christina.

The practice with Christina was a good time for sure. We did a lot of back bends, listened to some great music, and it was just such a super group of people, an incredibly strong group of Yogis. It was so nice to be able to practice along side Jason.

During practice that night, I had a sweet breakthrough. I finally got over my fear of dropping back into full wheel and coming back up. I did 4 dropbacks with help and then did 4 on my own for a total of 8. That is the most dropbacks I have done at one time. We did a ton of wheels , Urdhva Dhanurasana, before even moving on to dropbacks so it was a heart opening experience to say the least. ;)

I will say I did notice that after finally doing those drop backs I felt a shift. I left that practice with a feeling of empowerment and elation and that has stayed with me for most of the week.

However, yesterday, I woke with my back feeling out of whack. I am not sure what I did. I don't know if I picked up Liam wrong or if it was due to the radical expansion of my practice a few nights ago. I felt sore for the next couple of days following all the deep backbends but nothing alarming so am thinking poor lifting may be the culprit of my aching back. Either way, my sacrum was locked up, so I had some acupuncture, massage, cranial work and bone setting done by my healer friend, Dan. That session was exactly what I needed. I discovered that I need body work done way more often because I rarely ever have body work done. In fact, that is probably on the second or third time I have been worked on in over 3 years.

I am still a little stiff and sore in my low back so will take it easy today. I teach later but am hoping that I will feel better by then and that teaching is a breeze. Off I go to enjoy the day.

Until next time...

Peace,

Marcia

Resetting My Mind One Minute at a Time~

2010-05-05T08:39:00.000-07:00

Okay.... so this morning I am writing to get some clarity and to get my mind free. For some reason, whenever I write about what is on my mind and in my heart, I feel better. My mind gets a rest and writing these things down helps me stop the negative loop. By the end, my heart feels a whole lot lighter. Thank goodness for that!

Last night was not good. It wasn't all bad either, though. The highlight of my evening was meeting a girlfriend for dinner. In fact, that was only the second time in 2 1/2 years that I have gone out on my own to meet with a girl friend. As is obvious, I don't get out much. Of course, this is another story altogether...

Back to reason I am writing and the subject on which I wish to write about. Last night I had a friend and fellow yoga teacher attend my class and, well, it was not my best class. In fact, I felt it was pretty terrible. I wasn't myself all because I had a peer in class. This bothers me because this is not the first time having a fellow teacher in class has thrown me, and this upsets me because I know I am not being me and am not sharing or showing what I am truly capable of. It is almost as if I am shrinking myself in the moment. I realize this is a habit that needs to be broken and changed if I am to move on to the next level.

I feel really emotional about this because I feel immensely disappointed in myself for allowing this to happen again. So, yes, I am disappointed but have not missed the point completely. I get that there is a great lesson to be learned from all this. What I discovered from this experience, as it unfolded in a way that was not to my liking, was a loss of connection between my heart and head and my habitual way of dealing with myself in such situations.

When my head and heart get disjoined in the moment, I have a hard time reconnecting and getting myself back together. I noticed that I get in my head but my mind is not clear and my focus gets really scattered. It is almost as if my brain shorts out and I forget what I was gonna teach, like the sequence or the focus of the class. Then, I go into this weird emotional place of worry of not teaching well or of not being good enough on some level and things don't turn out as well as I'd like or as well as I had hoped they would. You get the idea. Anyway, I did sort of manage to pull it together and used the moment to learn from and was able to be really honest.

My word of the night was expectation. I began with the idea that there is no expectation that those who attend yoga need to come in knowing how to do yoga, nor is there an expectation that you must have certain amount of flexibility or ability in your body because that is why we come to the practice... to learn as we go. Then I shared that I did hope that they could at least anticipate having a good time. The theme ran along that line...

Anyway, by the close of class, I did share that I have always been someone who has had high expectations of myself and from experience I have learned that when my expectations are high I always fall short. Expectations of myself often leave me feeling like I am lacking something and I feel disappointed. If instead I/we can pause, breathe, open to the experience and just do our best in the moment than all will unfold effortlessly and we will leave feeling good, satisfied, happy. I don't know that I said this in these exact words but it was something like that. I think by the end of class I was back in my heart and in a much softer more together place so am grateful for that.

I know all these dense moments are really helping me to grow and better myself and my skills and I appreciate that. However, at this point, 6 years of teaching later, I would just like to get it already!

The positive spin on all this is that I am able to be aware of what is going on with me when this strange flip thing happens. However, I am left feeling like I don't know what to do about this situation or how to transform it. How do I break this pattern and free myself up to be myself no matter who shows up to class? Will this eventually change on it's own or do I need to get some help with this? Does anyone have any wisdom they would like to share with me?

At this moment, I feel like I just need to give myself a break and a lot of love. Today, I will get my hair done and am looking forward to doing nothing and being pampered. After sharing this, I do feel a great sense of relief. Writing is such great therapy and there is great magic in the words that flow from the heart. I do love how writing helps me get answers to my questions and allows me to be bare, honest and real.

Resetting my mind a minute at a time,

Marcia

Long Week~

2010-05-03T21:58:00.000-07:00

Jason is finally home after a week of being away. It's been a very long week with long days and lots of ups and downs. It's not so much that I can't manage with Jason gone because I can and I do... with help from my folks. I feel fortunate and grateful to have my mom and dad living so near because Liam stays with them when I go to teach.

What makes the time while he is away hard is not really having time for myself. This whole last week, Liam woke at about 5:30, sometimes earlier, and had a difficult time getting to sleep, so I didn't get out of his room at bedtime at the end of the day until around 9:45 p.m.. My only time away was to teach and then back home again to do what needs to be done. Today followed a similar trend.

Liam did share with me this evening that his ear hurts so it seems an ear infection may have developed either following the cold he just got over or it may be due to the fall into the pool, which is a story for another time. Either way, this may explain the more challenging than usual behavior and difficulty sleeping. Who knows? Some days these things are a mystery to me.

I have noticed that when I don't have some time to just unwind and recharge that it is much harder to stay calm and conscious when Liam gets worked up or when he is fighting his nap or simply not willing to work with me to help him. And what it comes down to is that parenting or being a good mom is a learn-as-you-go sort of thing. It doesn't matter how many books you read, though, I do find great ideas and new approaches to parenting that I am not familiar with, so I don't want to discount the value of educating oneself and investigating things further. In the end, though, each little person is unique and you have to get to know your little person and just try different approaches to see what your little one responds to.

I have definitely felt a need for a change in my/our approach to parenting. Some of the things we, Jason and I, are doing is working and some things... not so much. Liam is certainly pushing the limits and working it a bit if you will. I suppose he's playing the boundaries a bit out of curiosity or something.

A woman I know shared with me that we have moved from the terrible twos to the horrific threes but that by four things are much easier and better. That is a relief, I think? Truth be told, every time I have heard someone say something like the 'terrible' twos, I sort feel bummed by such a description and worry that thinking about this phase or age group in such a way may actually create that. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be naive or discount the fact that maybe there is some validity to the challenges that come at this phase in childhood but calling something 'terrible' or 'horrific' makes it all the more difficult.

I still don't know what I am doing as a parent but feel I do a good job most of the time. On my less than stellar days, I am quick to apologize for my impatience or inability to stay calm. The good news is that Liam understands so much and we can actually talk about things and that is awesome.

Over this past week, I realized that there needs to be some change... I must do some investigating, some searching within myself and do some exploring or experimenting with different ways to help Liam, me and Jason grow and deal with what comes up whether its plain old stubbornness, emotions, cooperation, or lack there of, with as much awareness as possible.

I have discovered that in working with Liam that I need to be creative, playful, conscious, aware, compassionate and consistent. Some of these things I do well already and, well, other areas need some work.

So my task now is how to integrate all these aspects in a way that works and helps all three of us. I can see how the UPA's can come into play... At the moment, I am feeling the need to focus on Alignment Principle number one... Open to Grace... Surrender.... Soften.... I must allow the answers to come to me and move through me.

One thing I do know is that I am someone who needs time to myself to recharge. Also, I am and have always been very sensitive to the energy of others. Meaning, I feel what is going on beyond what my be said or portrayed. I suspect that Liam is the same way. This is why I must be aware of how I am handling things in the moment. I need to be aware of whether I am responding or reacting to things as they arise.

For example, when my little guy gets worked up, it bothers me. I need to keep that in check because he is having his own experience. I just want to be able to help and to reset the balance. I suppose the only way to help is to be present and stay centered within my heart so that I can respond in a loving way versus reacting out of frustration. However, try as I might, there will be times when I fall short so I need to learn to be more loving and forgiving of and with myself. Okay, clearly there is plenty to work on.

Phew! For some reason, I thought that this would be a short entry. Oh well, it's good to get it down on virtual paper. I do feel better and have a more clarity than when I began. I love it when that happens!

Love and Light,

Marcia

Mermaid in Waiting~

2010-04-21T08:47:00.000-07:00

In about a month, Jason and I will be off and on our way to Riccione, Italy, which is a seaside resort town in Northern, Italy. This will be our first trip away together without Liam. This is a big trip for us. A whole week without our son will be strange for sure.

The good and comforting news is that Liam will spend the week with my Mom and Dad (a.k.a. J-Jah and Papa) and a few days with my sister, who will be flying in from Denver. My Dad is taking the week off and my sister is coming into to town to spend some time with Liam, Mom and Dad while we are away. We, Jason and I, are so fortunate to have such support. Knowing that Liam will be having fun with Papa and J-jah and Auntie G puts my mind at ease and will allow me to enjoy myself and this opportunity to travel to Italy to be near the Adriatic Sea.

This is the first trip Jason and I have taken alone together since our honeymoon to Zihuatanejo, Mexico, in 2005. As it turns out, we will be celebrating our 5th wedding anniversary while we are in Italy, and, well, we just celebrated 10 years together this month. The timing is perfect. The opportunity to stay for free in a beautiful place and have the food provided made this impossible to pass up. I think this will be good for us and our relationship especially since things have been so busy and tough the last month.

I think the things I am most looking forward to on this trip are being near the sea, sleep and time with Jason, as it seems all three hard to come by. For one, I live in the desert so the sea is a dream. And, well, sleep and time alone with your partner are a luxury when you have a 3 year old. I will miss my little Lark Liam but know he will be enjoying his own adventure. :-)

I get the feeling that this trip and experience will be a magical one, and magic is what I am after.

Dreaming of the Sea,

MerMarcia

Bittersweet Longing~

2010-04-16T21:16:00.000-07:00

“In your life, you meet people. Some you never think about again. Some, you wonder what happened to them. There are some that you wonder if they ever think about you. And then there are some you wish you never had to think about again. But you do.” (Author: Unknown)

It's been a busy week here in the Tullous' house hold with Jason working a cycling camp and Liam and I on our own. Thankfully, my mom has been able to spend time with Liam while I run off to teach. All in all, things are going well. Sleeping has been spotty and we wake a bit rough and groggy, but we mange to get on with the day.

I have been in more of a contemplative place as of late. And it seems that I have been thinking a lot about the people who have come and gone in my life and, well, I get a little sad. I suppose the sadness is due to the simple fact that I miss those dear to me that I seem to have lost touch with. I know that this is part of life, that people will come and go, but it doesn't mean that i like it or, on some level, wish things were different.

In my life, I have moved a lot and nearly every 3 years. Yes, distance creates a gap in time and space. Life happens and people get busy so there is no blame just an ache in my heart. It's simply me missing face-to-face moments and everyday conversations with those who have made a difference in my life at some point along the way. And really the every day events of life are sacred.

In some ways loosing touch feels like a loss, as if this is a phase of change where it is time to let go. Life, it seems, is moving us on our chosen way. Of course, I know well that there is good to follow. For as we let go of one thing , we make room for some other wonderful thing to come in. Maybe this is simply a case of making room for the new. Maybe it is time to open my heart and life up to new friends, companions and teachers. Come to think of it, as I look over my life, every move seems to bring new people into my life and big shifts happen.

It is 2 1/2 years into my time here in Tucson and 3 years seems to mark the magical moment of feeling settled and integrated into my new community or, at least, that has been the pattern for many years now. With all the moving I have done in my life, you would think I would be good at this, that I would be a pro at this, but I am not. Moving and leaving those I love and hold dear behind has always been the hardest part for me. When I reflect on the places I have lived, it is the people I miss most.

I trust my travels in life thus far are for a reason I do not yet understand. Apparently, I signed up for this. So I'd better be grateful for all the comings and goings and count my blessings for having met some really beautiful people along the way who have helped me grow into the better part of me. Counting... one, two, three...

May I always cherish the sweet moments and take to heart the lessons learned from great teachers along the way who were so ordinary and perfectly extraordinary in their very own way.

Nostalgic,

Marcia

Another great quote: (Couldn't decide so chose to include both)

“Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same.”

Confusion and Clarity

2010-04-12T08:17:00.000-07:00

The last week or so has been up and down and I have been feeling really off, like something is amiss. I can't really put my finger on it and so am still in this I-don't-know place. Of course it doesn't help that Liam hasn't slept well the past couple of nights because we all wake up in a fog feeling tired and cranky. But that is beside the point or maybe it's not... I don't know?!

I have lots of questions right now and no real clarity or vision. The truth is, that really bothers me. I keep asking myself where am I going? What am I doing? Where is my vision of possibility? What do I want and why do I feel like I want more than I have? I don't mean this in the material sense. I mean this in the soul sense. All I know is that have a nagging feeling there is more. I just don't know what that is or what that means. It's as if there is this part of me that's been lying dormant for a long time, like a portion of me is in hiding just waiting for me to discover this other side of myself, this other talent so that I can free things up. For now all I CAN do is focus on what is in front of me, stay fixed on the good things, wait out the discomfort, and hope things turn around really soon.

Let me clarify that things in my life aren't bad and, in fact, things are good in most ways. It's just a bit of confusion and feeling a need for change or clarity or something... Again, like I said, I am in murky water. I am sure the silt will settle soon and things will clear up.

For now I float in muddy water, firmly set my roots, break the surface and continue to grow skyward in search of the light of understanding.

Trying really hard to be patient,

Marcia

LUCKY!

2010-04-06T08:45:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a lot about this path in my life that I am on and have come to the conclusion that I am Oh so Lucky! I have days where I have lots of questions and doubts and feel like I have no idea where this is all leading, and then I have days where I am so certain and moved and inspired and feel so blessed to have both the intense and easy experiences.

These past few weeks have been full and a bit of a whirlwind. I have been emotional but really present in a way that I have never been before. I am able to see my doubts arise and acknowledge such uncertainty and lack of support for myself in a totally different way. My hope is that all this work that am and have been doing for some time now is helping me to transform this feeling of not good enough into something wonderful and useful and helpful.

These last few days I have spent in recovery mode. I was so incredibly tired after the immersion and I think after everything that has gone on with the loss of my baby and the releasing a lot of emotion both old and new. I do feel lighter on many levels and feel that I am finally starting to digest the lessons and blessings of these past few weeks.

A lot of what has been on my mind is that of Gratitude. I feel such Gratitude for all my teachers past and present and those who I will learn from in the future. I feel that each teacher that I have studied with teaches me something new. I love all of my teachers for different reasons. Of course what I love most is how they are just themselves. From each of my teachers I have learned how important it is to just be me and trust that if I teach from that place it will come out right and teachings will flow through me effortlessly.

Since my move here to Tucson, I feel that I have grown tremendously as a student and teacher.

My eyes tear up as I write this because I have had to face my own fears to step into this arena. I felt immensely intimidated when I moved here and to show up and teach was a huge hurdle for me. It is even more difficult when you can feel that not everyone is ready to open to or accept what you have to offer just because it or you are new. But here I am. I now teach several classes a week at YO and love it and the people. I have such a great group of people I meet with every week to share the teachings and growth with. The main lesson I have learned is just to be real. I show up as I am and share what I learn and hope that it is relatable, useful, uplifting and inspiring. It matters to me to help and make a positive difference in a similar way that my teachers have done for me.

So I give thanks to all of my teachers for their authenticity, generosity and knowledge, and for all the love they give out.

Maha Thanks,

Marcia

From Wow to Ow

2010-04-02T09:27:00.000-07:00

From WOW to OW, this past week has been a wild ride. I attended the second phase of the immersion again with Darren and Christina and am glad I did. I decided to go even without knowing if it would be good or bad for me. It was so hard to show up in such an awkward and vulnerable state. I arrived feeling wildly weird and empty in my body, heavy in heart, and foggy in mind. I was definitely in the I-don't-know place and feeling pretty terrible in general.

I did a lot of crying this past week but think I needed the release. I cried on Friday, felt decent on Saturday, left Sunday afternoon because I started crying and couldn't stop. On Sunday, I felt overwhelmed and consumed by waves of emotion that took over and took me under and literally left me breathless. In the midst of the intensity, I realized that I needed some time to myself to grieve in private, so I took a day and a half away. I realized I needed to nurture myself instead of push myself somewhere I was not ready to be. I think stepping back and away gave me what I needed and think that was a wise decision on my part.

I re-joined the immersion group on Tuesday afternoon feeling nervous and a bit out of place but was embraced and welcomed with kindness. By the end of Tuesday night, I felt better, lighter, different. The class with Bronwin and Sianna Tuesday night was pretty amazing and magical for me. I dedicated that practice to myself and to a teacher of mine who is also in need of some extra love at this time.

On the last day of the immersion I arrived feeling so much brighter and lighter. I could feel my joy rising again so that was good. The practice was fun, and I really enjoyed myself. We ended the last day with the closing circle and it was just so great to really SEE everyone and to witness the impact that this experience had on all of us. The changes and the gratitude felt by all is so big that words do not do the experience justice.

When it came time for me to share, I was honest, open, and weepy in a freeing way. As it turned out, Stephen (?), who was sitting next to me, shared with me that he and his partner had just experienced a miscarriage too. What are the odds? Well, as Stephen and I agreed, there was a reason we found ourselves next to each other during practice, lecture, and in the closing circle. There are no mistakes. We are always exactly where we need to be. We just need to trust that.

So two days following the close of the immersion and the close of a phenomenal week of WoW, I am experiencing the Ow. Yes, I have a bit of a Yoga hangover as Elizabeth called it. I am tired and still a little sore but not to bad. I am totally enjoying time with my sweet boy and getting caught up at home.

Taking it easy,

Marcia

Down Pour

2010-03-28T18:27:00.000-07:00

I woke this morning feeling incredibly tender and tired. It was hard to get out of bed, hard to teach, hard to be functional. I tried to get past my sensitivity and focus but had a difficult time doing so. For a majority of the day I sat on the edge of my sadness hoping to keep myself from falling over. But, like tears that well up in the eyes, my sadness spilled over. And once the crying started and the sorrow came there was no stopping it. It was a torrential down pour today.

I feel so confused. Is the intensity of the immersion helping or hurting me at this time? I think in some ways it is helping me in that I am feeling my sadness so fully. Maybe it is speeding the grief process up. Can that be done? I don't know. Anyway, cleansing and purifying are the words that came to mind today when Darren asked the question, "what is this immersion doing to you and/or for you." I do feel a release like letting the torrent of tears fall in a pool around me has lightened my load. This is good. However, I also feel an intense need to nurture instead of push myself. At this point and time, I am so sensitive and feel everything so deeply that it makes me want to curl up into myself and just lie there for a while. So, I guess what I am getting as I write this is that pushing is not serving me. Clearly, less is more in this case.

I am to tired to try to write or process anymore. Instead, I will end with "Then Invitation" by Oriah Mountain Dreamer.

The Invitation~

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain!I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithlessand therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day,and if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!”
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.
It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Weepy,

Marcia

Day One~ Phase 2

2010-03-26T21:55:00.000-07:00

This will be a short entry as I am tried and need to rest up for day 2 of phase II of the immersion. At the moment I am feeling pretty worked on all levels. Today was harder than I thought it would be but in a really good way. I knew that showing up would be the hardest part of this experience because there is this part of me that does not want to be seen at this time.

The opportunity to attend this immersion arose and I said, "Yes." And of course, I am grateful beyond words for the chance to be part of this experience. However, I find there is a part of me that feels undeserving of such love and acceptance and support. Why? I suppose I have a pretty independent streak and so accepting, much less, asking for help is a challenge of it's own making. And, yes, a mala is present and revealed. Damn it!

Really, I am in this place within myself where I don't know what to make of how I feel. My body feels strange and different. My head says lets move on but my heart feels otherwise. My heart feels both disappointed yet hopeful and so full of faith it blows me away. It's an odd concoction made of the fullness of life.

So, it seems, today's practice stirred things up, which is what I figured would happen and was a little afraid of. I had such an intense ride today. I went from feeling good to feeling really bad all in a matter of hours. I got really nauseous and dizzy at one point and was not expecting that. The feeling of being sick did not leave for the rest of the day and was hoping it would. Certainly, I was expecting to be pushed physically, mentally and emotionally but in a way I would recognize. Familiarity, it seems, is not a word that I relate to at this time.

I guess what I discovered today is that there is one part of me that wants to move past this whole experience of loss and not talk about the miscarriage anymore or feel the sadness anymore. I feel like that's enough already. My body and spirit are sending me other signals and signs which tell me that I have more to process. Funny how the practice and the pressure of the fire reveals it all. There is no denying what is up when you are in it. So... I am in it.

This was and is my intention, though. As I shared in the opening circle, my intention for this round in the ring with myself is to welcome and face full-on whatever comes. And today was harsh. I feel rocked and beaten and dizzy, but I am not out. I can rise to my feet to greet and welcome what is next. After all, tomorrow is a new day, and all I can do is try again and give myself praise and a lift. I am grateful to be with it and in it. I have never been so present with anything in my life. In some ways, I feel above it as if I am floating above myself to view it all. I can feel this shift is a big one. How this will manifest and morph into the most is a mystery. So, I wake, I participate and wait to see what comes.

Until tomorrow, sweet dreams and strength to all.

Worked,

Marcia

Moving Forward~

2010-03-23T07:49:00.000-07:00

I started making my way back into the world this weekend. I showed up early at the studio on Sunday morning to get a short practice in and to prepare myself and the space. I probably only practiced for 25 minutes but that was enough because it was the first bit of practice I'd done in over a week.

I woke feeling blue and vulnerable that morning, and as soon as I started moving my body I felt the emotions rise to the surface. I am always amazed at how moving the body through the poses stirs things up. In that sense, I find the practice so useful in helping me to understand and process my feelings. I figured that it was good to be feeling the sadness before students arrived so that I could get it out of my system and pull myself together to teach.

Before I new it, it was time to open the door and welcome the students in. The first thing many asked was how I was feeling and doing with regard to being pregnant. I responded in a vague way with a simple, "I am doing well" and then moved on. Some of the students were puzzled by my reply. However, that was easier for me. I just wanted to tell the whole group at once instead of one at a time. So I began class with the Rumi poem, "The Guest House", and then shared the news. I was doing pretty well up until that point. As soon as I had to say out loud that I had lost the baby, well, that is when I felt momentarily overwhelmed by the emotion. Sharing the news verbally made it all the more real and meant another level of acceptance. I was sure to point out that I am doing well. Even though this was an unexpected experience and outcome, I have great hope for what the future holds. I also shared that it is the practice that gives us the strength and courage to open ourselves to whatever life brings us. I really believe that it is about faith and trusting the process, trusting in the Absolute as John Friend would say. So after a few tears, I pulled it together, we sang the invocation, and got on with class. I think class went pretty well. It was not my most focused, clear-headed class but it was real.

I was truly moved by the compassion and empathy of the students. One student shared with me at the end of class that she knew this was a loss for me but that she felt it was a loss for them also because they felt this little baby was their something wonderful too. As soon as this student shared that sentiment with me, I burst into tears. Thankfully most of the students had left by that point.

I think what I realized is how intimate a regular class can be and is. A weekly class is like a family get together of sorts. We come together for an experience to share and show up as we are: good, bad, happy or sad. That's the beauty of the Kula, we embrace each other as we are, puffy eyes and all.

In honor of this little baby and for some sort of closure, Jason, Liam and I picked out and repotted a beautiful red hibiscus plant into an aqua-colored ceramic pot. My hope is that this plant will bloom and thrive and we will be reminded of the precious beauty and gift of life.

Moving forward with hopes high and the door of my heart open wide.

At Peace,

Marcia

Luminous Lotus~

The Alchemist

A Mother's Plea For Help ~

Inner Work

Zen and the Art of Moving~

A Blink of an Eye

Full Circle~ Back at the Beginning

A New Normal~

Taking it all in~

Lila~ My Little Miracle

The last few days~

LOVE

Ripe

Synchronicity~

The Yoga of Life~

“Life is a gift, and it offers us the privilege, opportunity, and responsibility to give something back by becoming more” ( Anthony Robbins )

Another Year Around the Sun: A Turning Point~

A Diamond in the Making~

Over the Moon~

Big Breath and Audible Sigh

Peace~

2011~

The Light in the Dark~

This Landlady Has A Headache!

Recipe for Christmas All Year Long

This so cool...

The Next Big Adventure~

Wednesday

Hello! It's been a while...

Unexpected ~

Before I was a Mom~

BEFORE I WAS A MOM:

Author Unknown

Been a while...

Nostalgic

Two Weeks Later...

Back At It~

In It But With It~

An Invitation to live life fully~

What to make of all this?

Respond in the Highest~

For Now~

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

"Fight tenacious tendencies! Align with your heroic heart!" ~ Darren Rhodes‎

Heat, Humidity, Heart~

Progress~

At Ease~

The Starfish Story~

The Starfish Story

Original Story by: Loren Eisley

A Beginner At Heart~

The World Is Conspiring In Your Favor~

Pictures from Italy ~

Pictures from Italy

Things Change

Breathe in, Breathe out~

Finding Joy in the Everyday Things~

Home

The Wall

Italy

The last week~

Resetting My Mind One Minute at a Time~

Long Week~

Mermaid in Waiting~

Bittersweet Longing~

“Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same.”

Confusion and Clarity

LUCKY!

From Wow to Ow

Down Pour

Day One~ Phase 2

Moving Forward~